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Pump the Grump

2007-05-28T18:06:00.000-04:00

All further transmissions are now made at GRUMP FACTORY.

Check out reviews of 28 Weeks Later, Final Fantasy XII, LOST, and Satoshi Kon's latest, Paprika.

Grump Factory: Pump the Grump.

One Year Later - 100 Movies

2007-04-17T21:04:00.000-04:00

The past two semesters I watched 100 movies either in class, on DVD on my own through Netflix, on TV, or in the theater. Here they are. Rated and ordered from The Protector, from the summer of 2006, to Fast Times at Ridgemont High, which I watched on Comedy Central this past weekend. This list used to be in my AIM profile (SirTMagus), a convenient place to catalogue the flicks I've been watching. No more movies can fit because of AIM's lame-o text restrictions so, plop, they go here. The 101st movie is Miami Vice, which I saw (again) in my film remakes class.

1. The Protector (4 out of 4)
2. GoldenEye (3 out of 4)
3. The Day the Earth Stood Still (3 out of 4)
4. Patlabor (2.5 out of 4)
5. Star Wars Special Edition (2.5 out of 4)
6. Princess Mononoke (4 out of 4)
7. Forbidden Planet (3 out of 4)
8. Hollywoodland (1.5 out of 4)
9. E.T. (2 out of 4)
10. Invasion of the Body Snatchers (3 out of 4)
11. Poltergeist (1.5 out of 4)
12. Crash (1 out of 4)
13. Infernal Affairs (3 out of 4)
14. Tron (2 out of 4)
15. Red Dawn (1 out of 4)
16. Demon Seed (2 out of 4)
17. Arsenic & Old Lace (3 out of 4)
18. Westworld (2.5 out of 4)
19. Wasabi (2 out of 4)
20. Barbarella (3 out of 4)
21. Fearless (2.5 out of 4)
22. The Shining (4 out of 4)
23. Rambo First Blood Part II (3 out of 4)
24. Zardoz (1 out of 4)
25. Family Game (2.5 out of 4)
26. The Prestige (4 out of 4)
27. Fatal Attraction (2 out of 4)
28. Dead Man (2.5 out of 4)
29. Johnny Mnemonic (1.5 out of 4)
30. Coma (2 out of 4)
31. Born in Flames (1 out of 4)
32. Close Encounters of the 3rd Kind (3.5 out of 4)
33. Vampire Hunter D (0 out of 4)
34. She's Gotta Have It (3 out of 4)
35. The Departed (3.5 out of 4)
36. Koyaanisqatsi (3 out of 4)
37. Black Rain (1.5 out of 4)
38. Dawn of the Dead remake (3 out of 4)
39. Day of the Dead (3 out of 4)
40. Tenacius D in Pick of Destiny (2.5 out of 4)
41. Minority Report (3 out of 4)
42. Casino Royale (3.5 out of 4)
43. Borat (3 out of 4)
44. From Russia With Love (2.5 out of 4)
45. Drunken Master 2 (2.5 out of 4)
46. The Getaway (3 out of 4)
47. Salvador (2.5 out of 4)
48. Blade Runner (5 out of 4)
49. Ghost in the Shell (5 out of 4)
50. Wall Street (2 out of 4)
51. Solaris (4 out of 4)
52. The Lake House (2 out of 4)
53. Volver (1 out of 4)
54. The Fountain (3.5 out of 4)
55. Roger & Me (2.5 out of 4)
53. Aliens (5 out of 4)
54. Babel (2 out of 4)
55. Inland Empire (? out of 4)
56. The Omega Man (1.5 out of 4)
57. Flash Gordon (1.5 out of 4)
58. Hanabi (3 out of 4)
59. The Taking of Pelham 1 2 3 (3 out of 4)
60. License to Kill (1.5 out of 4)
61. Inside Man (3 out of 4)
62. The Proposition (2.5 out of 4)
63. Land of the Dead (3 out of 4)
64. Pan's Labyrinth (3 out of 4)
65. Little Miss Sunshine (3 out of 4)
66. 12:01 (2.5 out of 4)
67. Logan's War (1 out of 4)
68. Demolition Man (1.5 out of 4)
69. Kingdom of Heaven Director's Cut (3 out of 4)
70. Yojimbo (3 out of 4)
71. Last King of Scotland (2 out of 4)
72. Body Heat (2.5 out of 4)
73. Kita no Zeronen (1.5 out of 4)
74. Children of Men (3.5 out of 4)
75. Batman Begins (6 out of 4)
76. Body Double (1.5 out of 4)
77. Bad Education (2.5 out of 4)
78. Retribution (2.5 out of 4)
79. Narc (3.5 out of 4)
80. Birth of a Nation (1.5 out of 4)
81. The Queen (2.5 ot of 4)
82. The Hills Have Eyes remake (3 out of 4)
83. Solid State Society (147+ out of 4)
84. Terminator 2 (4 out of 4)
85. Girl Who Leapt Through Time (4 out of 4)
86. Conan the Barbarian (2.5 out of 4)
87. 300 (3 out of 4)
88. Fullmetal Alchemist movie (2 out of 4)
89. Rope (3.5 out of 4)
90. Nayakan (1.5 out of 4)
91. The Host (3 out of 4)
92. The Virgin Spring (3 out of 4)
93. Reign Over Me (2 out of 4)
94. TMNT (2 out of 4)
95. Grindhouse (2.5 out of 4)
96. Cujo (1.5 out of 4)
97. Memories of Murder (3 out of 4)
98. Fritz Lang's Metropolis (3 out of 4)
99. Double Indemnity (3 out of 4)
100. Fast Times at Ridgemont High (2 out of 4)

101. Miami Vice (2 out of 4)

Movies in bold were released in 2007.

No reason to get excited

2007-04-15T04:29:00.000-04:00

OK.

Final Fantasy III for DS.

This game is going on a one-way trip.

A one-way trip STRAIGHT UP MY ASS.

WHY is there no save points in dungeons?! What FUCKING ASSHOLE at Square Enix thought that was a bright idea? Especially when there's a random shitty battle nearly EVERY STEP. And the waiting period (3 battles or whatever!) to switch between jobs? That can lick my balls. Especially when I just gain a new spell for my useless black mage who is suddenly NOT useless because I GOT A NEW SPELL!!!!11111 Better switch my useless thief back to a black mage to use this strong spell that might be good!

So.

I'm in the Cave of Water or whatever. With Aria, this princess whore. Who casts Cura or Protect randomly on me - RANDOMLY - so when I cast Cura or Cure I'm effectively WASTING my MP. Thanks, Aria. You slimy bitch. I can't replenish my MP. At least not in the middle of a dungeon. And there are no ethers. So, with MP impossible to recover in the middle of a dungeon with no save points AND ENDLESS RANDOM BATTLES I can't help but eventually run out of MP and ways of healing all together.

Add a cheap overstrong octopus boss (not Ultros), NO phoenix downs (can't buy those and I haven't found any in hours!) and that's a fucking night of dungeon crawling down the drain.

I swear to fucking god.

Every Final Fantasy before FF6 can go. To.

HELL.

Meanwhile. I deftly placed the DS cartridge up my sphincter.

Where it shall remain.

FOR ALL ETERNITY.

The stuff beans are made of

2007-01-30T23:59:00.000-05:00

Late night movie classes are taking their toll on me. Me and my stomach, anyway. With only 15 minute breaks between various screenings and lectures and meandering group discussions it's tough to get the proper nutritional intake besides potato chips or cans of Pepsi. So I'm doubling up on my breakfasts (omelette AND oatmeal?!) to make up for the lack of a decent lunch. And late dinners are the norm. Mmmm. Just finished my CHICKEN.

Maybe I'd eat proplery if I didn't go see KITA NO ZERONEN or Year One in the North. Or something. It's basically Japan's version of Oscar bait. Almost three hours long of weeping, crying, longing, gasping, staring and being noble and/or honorable. It's a chick flick. A romance novel. I'm sure it's based on a book. It's gotta be. It's got a novel's snail-like stench (and pace) all over it. You know what woke me up as I was dozing off? The sight of a gun onscreen. My eyes snapped open. What does that say about me?

It has the badass Ken Watanabe though I'm not quite sure his badassitude is well-earned or not now because he's yet to have a substantial role in an honest-to-God good movie yet, as far as I can tell. Remember The Last Samurai? Kita No Zeronen is hokier than that. Remember Memoirs of a Geisha? That's a much hokier movie but this one comes close. Remember Batman Begins? Yeah? ME TOO!! GOD. What an AWESOME MOVIE. Kita No Zeronen isn't. =(

You know how people complain some movies aren't believable, that they're fake? This is one of those movies. It begs you take it seriously because everyone in the movie is, even when the father leaves and never returns (natch), when a guy sets himself on fire to save his crop, when the horses run away but DON'T WORRY THEY'RE BACK. It's hokey and fake and I didn't buy any of it. If Charlotte Bronte was Japanese she would'a wrote Kita No Zeronen.

On the other hand, I saw Body Heat, which wants you to take it as seriously as it'll let you. It winks at the audience, says "Yes, this is noir so take the snappy dialogue and recycled plot in stride and enjoy Kathleen Turner's legs." I mean, it practically says that. Ted Danson's in it. He dances around in circles by himself and it's funny in this movie because 1.) it's Ted Danson and he has huge Coke bottle eyeglasses and B.) the movie's aware of its kitschy Tarantino-y satus. Whereas, in Kita No Zeronen, everyone's squeezing their tearducts out saying stuff like "A dream is only a dream unless you make it happen" which I find much more unbelievable than Body Heat's hardboiled "Sometimes the shit comes down so heavy I feel like I should wear a hat." And sure enough, he gets a snap-brimmed hat. So which movie is hokier? Which movie works?

You know my answer, baby. Now be a sweetheart, kiddo. Close the door and turn the lights off, I got daggers in my eyes.

For All Practical Porpoises

2007-01-29T01:41:00.000-05:00

It's BEEN A WHILE.

|:3

Taking a silent cinema and REMAKES class this semester. Should be boffo. Silent film's a challenge so far. The class is FOUR HOURS LONG!!!1 and I got stuff like Birth of a Nation coming up. Can I stand a 3+ hour racist epic? We'll find out.

Remakes is much more contemporary and I'm familiar with pretty much every movie on the syllabus (T2 for college? I'm in... the right college!) but it should be nice. The recitation is cool. Everyone seems to enjoy my (formerly-)bearded presence, and hey, that's what REALLY matters in a class. Plus there's a cute gal from Amsterdam. Oh ho, time to show her the sights. }:3

Saw King of Scotland last night. It was okay. Most overrated movie of the year for sure but Forrest was good, can't deny that. The plot was just so by-the-numbers conventional. You know what's gonna happen, you've seen it all before. It reminded me of Salvador, mixing a fictional protagonist - particularly, putting a white face on foreign suffering - with historical happenings. I think I liked Salvador better but that may be a terrible comparison to begin with. Both are pretty "meh" movies in the broad scheme of things.

Chicken.

Well, there goes our salvage, guys

2006-12-15T05:35:00.000-05:00

Holy fucking cocks, am I on a high!

It's past 5:30 and I just my second wind to finish my grand paper on Aliens and its 1980s-ness. Finishing up probably my BEST semester ever - I can easily see all A's this time around. Why? Because of awesome classes. FINALLY. I'm a CINEMA MAJOR. Movies of the 80s was a class. MY FAVORITE SUBJECT.

EVER.

AND I just finished taking a break from my paper... playing Counter-Strike. I haven't played in ages. Must've been a billion years. It was great! I swear, that game is in my blood. It's the SYMBIOTE. I got right back into the game as if it was middle school again. As if I was really THERE. My toes got cold, my eyes darted left and right, checking each corner my fingers were ultra-responsive, HEADSHOT HEADSHOT HEADSHOT OHHH MAAAANNNN~~

18-3 on Dust2 and 13-4 on Italy. Not too shabby if I do say so myself. Granted, I was playing against FOREIGNERS and we all know how savvy they are. Thank god they weren't Korean. Still. I can't believe how swiftly it all came back. Like Starcraft, that game is just so immersive and well-designed. If I could take my PC with those games and SNES (or Wii with SNES Virtual Console!!1) I think I'd be set for my videogaming life.

Now if only I had that kind of enthusiasm for practical abilities.

AW WELL.

It's Christmas time. Time to throw practicality and responsibility to the winds!

OR should I say...

snows? :3

Aw well. Time to finish that paper!!1

Tanksgiving

2006-11-20T22:34:00.000-05:00

The holidays are coming... I can't wait to go hoooooooooooome!!! Friends! Family! Wine! Women! Song!

Wii.

Bren stayed out all night waiting outside Circuit City in West Nyack with a friend on Sunday. Apparently they all huddled together in blankets like a caveman gaming clan and bonded over Mortal Kombat, Smash Bros., Gears of War and all sorts of other games. Then they all got Wiis and Twilight Princesses.

I gotta say, I'm a little jealous.

Though I spent my Sunday playing Final Fantasy 12 which seems good enough on its own, like I don't need Wii or Zelda.

...

WHAT AM I SAYING?!?!

I ALSO attained Animal Crossing DS today, used for $20 at a second-hand gaming hole-in-the-wall in NYC here. MUCH better deal than the ridiculous $30+ they still charge at Gamestop. What's the deal there? The game's more than a year old and it's still charging full price (give or take five bucks?) Bollocks I say. Though the the kid at the store did almost tempt me with a $25 used copy of Contact. But I want to plant PEARS and draw T-SHIRTS.

Rogue Tomato: VANQUISHED

2006-11-07T00:42:00.000-05:00

So I began Final Fantasy 12 tonight. I was impressed from the start. The familiar Final Fantasy prelude and main theme were wholly unexpected, and quite a surprise, considering their unorthodox inclusion in the past traditional installment, Final Fantasy 10. There, the prelude was a beatbox electronic pump-up BGM for Tidus' pre-game show-off scene. It was different and I liked it but completely unlike the epic, sweeping "Hello! Remember how awesome RPGs can be?" Final Fantasy 12 offers right at its beginning.

The cutscene direction and the writing is, so far, BEYOOOOND THE BOUUUUNDS. Frankly, it beats the everliving POOP out of FF10's mannequin arm-flailing. And Alexander O. Smith continues his mastery over the videogame localization with uncanny entries like:

"Being a manner of vile and verminous beastie, much favoring the fetid stench of the sewers and making their nests therein. Past attempts at eradication to contain the plagues these pests are known to carry have greatly reduced their numbers, yet a preternatural rate of reproduction has kept the strain from extinction. And so they remain, an ever-popular subject for natural philosophers keen to fathom the secrets of their indomitable constitution."

And that's just an excerpt from the bestiary for a fat rat enemy you fight very early on. The dialogue between characters is equally eloquent and flavorful.

Phoenix Wright, ANOTHER GAME I'M LOVING, is written by the same guy.

Also playing a lot of Starcraft and I'm good at it. I'm beating people! So enjoyable.

Now I just gotta stop ignoring my mudkip. =(

YO WHO'S SNAKE

2006-10-15T22:03:00.000-04:00

Today was the last day of Digital Life New York so I went to the Jacob Javits Center hoping to score some Wii playtime and play whatever else was there.

I never got to touch the Wii.

:
There was usually a considerable crowd around the only display there, at Konami's booth - for Elebits. I wasn't too dishearted because it was... Konami's Elebits. It didn't look too interesting but it had its quirks. Apparently you move common household objects like roasted chickens and frying pans around to uncover and capture Pikmin-like "Elebits."

*SHRUG*

But I got to see the Wiimote up close and it is a pretty little thang. The DS Lite meets a remote, it's small and oh-so-DARLING. People seemed to be having fun though. Maybe I should've waited to play it...

I spent the most time with Metal Gear Portable Ops. The PSP kiosks themselves were lousy. There were only 4 and one of them was kaput while all the rest lacked their analog nubs. So I had to play by pushing around a metal/plastic protrusion. SUCH COMFORT.

Metal Gear itself was fun. It was standard deathmatch multiplayer mode, anyone familiar with Subsistence's online mode could dive in. Since I was only one of three other people playing I managed to dominate easily. One guy went "Yo, who's Snake?!" Why, it WAS I. Though I got to play as Ocelot and Eva as well. I got the most kills as Ocelot but I couldn't discern any special abilities between them. The controls were a standard, easy Metal Gear set-up, very simplified. You hold Circle then toggle through the D-pad to select weapons but there were no secondary items like cardboard boxes and magazines. The lack of a strafe was also irksome. Despite these setbacks I came back to play this the most. Its music also sounds like the 24 theme. I was most pleased.

Castlevania: Portrait of Ruin is what you'd expect from Castlevania at this point but DAMN is it pretty. And you have two characters at the same time! I couldn't figure out the dynamic between them with my limited playing time - the demo was just a short run-through of a level then a boss - but the depth potential is exciting. Definitely picking this up.

Next to the Konami booth was, conveniently, the Square Enix showspace with several Final Fantasy XII stations set up. Sorry to say, Gabe's and Tycho's criticism of simply watching the game play itself seems justified. Maybe it was because the difficulty was easy, or the perfect Gambits were chosen for the demo but all I did was simply walk from Malboro to Malboro and watched my characters do their stuff. When I put the controller down the game still played... itself. OH WELL I'M STILL GETTING IT LOL

I also won a LIMITED STAFF FF12 T-SHIRT ZOMG. The Square Enix guys there did this trivia thing and I was the fifth out of nine people to answer their dopey questions correctly.

Square Guy: "What... was the release date... of Final Fantasy VIII?!"
Me: *HAND SHOOTS UP, HE SEES ME, I ANSWER GRUFFLY* "September 9th, 1999!"

Then I waited on a line with the other winners (one was a little girl) to go in this small booth to collect my shirt. To our surprise, they sat the winners down and took ours picture. So if you see some greasy, gangly imp grinning like a Cheshire cat on Square's site anytime soon, that's me. OH WAIT EVERYONE THERE LOOKED LIKE THAT

Except me.

Soooooooooo yeah. Can't think of anything else notable... The Sega booth had Phantasy Star Universe there but only in boring single-player mode. The PS2 version was blurry and hurt my eyes. XBox 360 one, however, looked tres bien. They had the new Sonic but I didn't bother to wait. I really wanted to play Sonic Genesis for GBA there though...

Oh, and Sony had Resistance there on a big PS3 display but the lines were big and fat. So.

THERE YA HAVE IT.

I'll get a pic of me in the FF12 shirt eventually. They had small and medium sizes but I asked for the medium, which looks big... who knew I was such a small fry? :(

Crazy stairs with the FF12 cast and logo on them.

Like farts in wind

2006-09-12T23:40:00.000-04:00

Just to prove I wasn't daydreaming I found the ComingSoon.net article again:

Blade Runner Final Cut is Coming
Source: Warner Home Video
May 26, 2006

Warner Home Video (WHV) announced today that it has acquired worldwide rights to Ridley Scott's Blade Runner and plans two new DVD releases of the futuristic classic. Rights had lapsed a year ago, but negotiations for a long-term license have now been completed, and the film will again be available to the public.

First, a restored and remastered DVD version of the 1992 Director's Cut will debut in September in the U.S. for a special four-month limited release, after which it will be placed on moratorium by WHV. (I guess it's this DVD. Looks like it's in a normal non-crappy-cardboard DVD case this time!)

Later in 2007, to celebrate the film's 25th anniversary, the studio will unveil "Blade Runner: The Final Cut," Scott's definitive new version of his science-fiction masterpiece. The film will be released theatrically in select major U.S. cities, followed by a multi-disc Special Edition DVD release which will also contain three alternate versions of Blade Runner: the Original U.S. Theatrical Cut, the Expanded International Theatrical Cut and the 1992 Director's Cut. Ample, ground-breaking bonus features will also be included.

In making the announcement, Jeff Baker, WHV's Senior VP and General Manager, Theatrical Catalog, said: "This is clearly Ridley's signature film and we are thrilled to have it back. While details of the new DVDs will be announced later, we wanted to get this great news to the many serious film buffs and ardent 'Blade Runner' fans who've been so patient, despite besieging us with thousands of annual requests in recent years for new 'Blade Runner' DVDs."

Continued Baker, "A number of people have told me that in the start-up days of DVD, 'Blade Runner' was absolutely the first DVD title they wanted, so much so that they purchased it even before their first DVD player! I guarantee these fans our new DVDs will be well worth waiting for."

Blade Runner -- starring Harrison Ford, Rutger Hauer, Sean Young, Edward James Olmos and Daryl Hannah -- made its first appearance in U.S. theaters on June 25, 1982, dazzling audiences with its stylish, brooding look into the future. From its intelligent, provocative story line to its stunning camera work and state-of-the-art special effects, Blade Runner opened the door to a new view of tomorrow.

Set in a multi-ethnic, overcrowded, high-tech city of the future, Blade Runner was also a benchmark in production design and helped propel the "cyberpunk" look into mainstream American consciousness.

I can hardly contain myself!

Starring Xander Berkeley

2006-09-09T19:13:00.000-04:00

The Rock is on Criterion.

Rebuild of Evangelion

2006-09-06T20:26:00.000-04:00

They pull you back in!

http://www.animenewsservice.com/

Cineaste Showoff

2006-08-03T02:12:00.000-04:00

I'm surprised this guy managed to type without tipping his brandy glass all over the keyboard.

And I thought I had a big fat head. Read all those names he drops. I'm surprised he left out so many!

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0430357/board/nest/49531848

The critics who panned it or felt it was empty do not understand the true depth Mann's achievement.

There are levels of nuance and subtlety in it, things suggested and not stated, varying degrees of shade and shadow that reaches the height of artistry, like the best film noir, French New Wave cinema, or the literature of Henry James or Virginia Woolf. In many regards, Mann is carrying the torch of the best cinema of the past, perhaps the successor of Antonioni's minimalism/existentialism (just one aspect of Mann's cinema), and he manages it while remaining fiscally responsibly to his backers. He is a juggler par excellence who adroitly manages artistic and commercial considerations--a near impossible feat and dance on the razor's edge. And he makes it look easy too.

On another thread, someone observed that the French seem to be praising this film. Let me say that only someone who has at least some understanding of the French New Wave (especially, A boute de souffle) can appreciate Miami Vice for all of its merits. This film is easily one of the best in the last 25 years of cinema and it flies low on the radar; only someone with a heightened sensitivity of the art and craft of film can appreciate it fully.

I only wish I had the time and energy to write about it further. I envy the professional critics who get the opportunity to do so. One Miami Vice carries the weight of 300 other films on its back, and supports the very foundation of cinema. To see that a good portion of the general public and many professional (American) critics fail to see this film's greatness is reassuring because it kind of confirms to me just how good this film is--great art is rarely appreciated in it's own time, if ever. It may be premature of me to place this film within the pantheon of other great ones, but intuitively I feel this is the right decision. It would make my list of top 50 films of all-time. Take a look at my list of top 5 and you will see where I'm coming from.

The stars must be aligned for Colin Farrel (sic erat in fatis), as he got to work with another of today's preeminent directors, Terrence Malick (come to think of it, Gong Li and Jamie Fox have been quite lucky as well, working with great directors in the past). These two directors, perhaps with Kitano and one or two others, are the best in the business today.

Miami Vice is the first film in many years that I know I'm going to see several times in the next couple months. And when the DVD comes out, I'm going to pick it up immediately, with no reservations. I'm only disheartened that so few can look past the surface banalites of the gunplay.

[please read the posts I have made on this thread for a further explanation of all of the above]

And in case you still doubt his command over high culture he has a Capote quote in his signature as a true credential.

I frankly don't see what all the fuss is about -- Truman Capote in Capote

You and me both, Capote.

You and me both.

Bat Vice

2006-08-01T15:38:00.000-04:00

This summer is horrible.

Horrible. For movies.

Television, in my eyes, used to be the golgotha of media. There was never anything good on to watch besides... besides what? Cartoons! Even they, with their unlimited imagination (thanks to the miracle of animation!!), got old. Remember when Adult Swim premiered and the excitement for good, mature animation was heavy in the ether? Funny how fast that went. How many pop-culture-satires-with-non-sequitor-dialogue shows can one network hold now? For every engaging and well-written Venture Bros. there seems to be forty brainless s-CRY-eds and eighty more tiresome Aqua Teen re-runs. RE-RUNS. Even infallible South Park disappointed this season.

Cripes.

However, there exists Battlestar Galactica and 24 and they're terrific. Certainly different levels of terrific, but fanfuckingtastic the same... almost. 24 is an addictive cliffhanger-after-cliffhanger television goldmine. It's exactly what television should be. Constant tension and danger and holy shit those CLIFFHANGERS. It is the epitome of episodic. A neverending cycle of double-crosses and shoot-outs for me to cheer and root for till I'm blue in the face, the sheer amount of badasses... this is a man's show, a gamer's show. Remember Commando, when Tommy Chong's daughter says "These guys must eat a lot of red meat!" Not that I'm elevating 24 to the Olympian heights of masterpiece-for-the-ages Commando but 24 eats a lot of red meat. And shoots a lot of deer, and most likely votes Republican.

Right now Jack Bauer is suspended in a crashing jet plane, possibly because of a missile, on his way to prevent terrorists from nuclear bombing Los Angeles. I have 16 hours left to go in the (second) season. Thank the lords for DVD.

The Lords of KOBOL. If 24 is Burnout Revenge then Battlestar is Shadow of the Colossus. Thoughtful, moving, exciting I love every character and it's the best sci-fi show, movie, anything in the past 20 years. It's like getting Blade Runner Lite in every episode.

But this is all known. I'm way behind in both series. So where was I? Right. Movies. They blow. Why do I bother anymore?

I told a few pals I thought Miami Vice was lousy and their reactions were sarcastic and incendiary as if I knew nothing about cinema or how Hollywood works or what birds are.

"What are you an IDIOT? Are you RETARDED? It's goddamned MIAMI VICE."

Well excuuuuuuuuse me for wanting a good movie based on a good TV show from a good director. In a year of skin-boiling disappointments and wretched embarrassments I secretly wanted, desired, longed for a good, adult movie in Miami Vice. And it, despite Gong Li's goofy pronunciation and Colin Farrell's hair, is the most serious movie I've seen all year. There were no superheroes, no Pyramid Head, no Dashiell Hammett-y dialogue. No humor.

There was... very little. I was led to believe I was gonna see a great movie. I watched Collateral, Michael Mann's previous flick, the night before. That's a great damn movie. Charismatic performances from the guy In Living Goddamn Color and Jerry Maguire in his best role, rad soundtrack (the Fever nightclub scene and the ending credits music) and gorgeous to look at. Those taxi cab yellows and neon blues pop out of the city and those dark clouds in the night sky... I love those. Those - the visual charms - are in Miami Vice. But everything else is lost to some weird kind of arthouse mentality where no fun and play is allowed. I was led to believe Collateral brought Michael Mann to a place where he could make hard-R, entertaining, engaging movies. Miami Vice earns its R-rating with a few short sequences of blood but as a whole it's not very entertaining in the least and the only engaging part is late in the third fucking act. I was led to believe, by many mainstream critics, that I was going to see a good movie.

Fuck those guys.

In a perfect world Miami Vice would be the most kick-ass cop movie around given the director's pedigree and the fact that he is adapting/updating his own creation from 20 years ago instead of handing it off to some hack P.O.S. like Ratner or McG. This has Mann's signature all over it so by all rights, this should have been fucking awesome. When I heard it was a dark and depressing take on Crockett and Tubbs I thought "Shit, that sounds right up my alley." I even had an analogy all lined up.

Kenshin TV show : Miami Vice TV show :: Kenshin OVA : Miami Vice movie

Christ, I really AM an idiot.

There's some stuff to like in Miami Vice - when things happen - but then things don't happen. For a long, long time. It's like the sixth long-ass movie of the summer and it's very redundant. Colin Farrell and Jamie Foxx mumble a lot and then Colin and Gong hook up for a few hundred times. And there's lots of speed boats. It's all very boring until the third act when some actual gunplay kicks in (these are the things that happen) and my interest is piqued way too late. Even the music was boring.

Even the sex was boring and cheap, and featured porno music. This movie counted on me getting jazzed about Colin and Gong shacking up - and in a better movie I would have , by GOD I would have - but I didn't care. How could I? There's little attempt to get to know them and the one they try (Gong Li looks like her mother. Wow! Okay?) is dumb and underdeveloped. They have a connection, sure: they're both trapped in worlds they're tired of and don't want to be in anymore. Their sex and possible love is a possible escape. Okay, there's a great idea of it all but the execution falls flat on its face. It's not sexy, it's not romantic, it's desperate. Which is kind of cool and sad but would be even cooler had there been a reason to care and had we all not seen this same plot a thousand billion times before, and better.

Here, it's just painy-by-numbers. Michael Mann uses the same night photography he did in Collateral so the movie looks really good (though the theater's print was grainy as hell... bring on the digital projectors, for crying out loud) but it sure doesn't feel good... at least when guns aren't going off. Otherwise... heck, I can't remember a single line from the movie.

There's no reason to see it, for fans of the TV show, fans of the actors, Jamie Foxx or Colin Farrell or whatever. Jamie isn't even IN most of the movie (I guess those rumors of him and his uppity entourage aren't rumors) and when he IS he's talking on a cell phone or grumbling some macho bullshit that should sound cool but sounds... I dunno. There. It's just there, effortless and unimpressive. Colin fares only slightly better since he has an exorbitant amount of screen time and hides his Irish brogue fairly well with the deepest set of balls voice possible out of a human throat which would be Don Johnson-esque if it had any type of playfulness to it whatsoever but I'd rather bet it's because it sounds cool and threatening or something. Remember the way Batman speaks in Batman Begins? It's like that, amplified and not coming out of Batman which makes it, well, odd. Funny, I knew I didn't like either guy in their role so I guess none of this is a surprise in any way.

God, I hate myself sometimes.

The supporting cast actually got more attention from me as the drug cartel leaders all sport the most amazing beards I've seen all yearand Naomie Harris, the chick from 28 Days Later and Tristram Shandy - and can be seen now in the over-engorged Pirates of the Caribbean 2 as the 27th Oracle-from-the-Matrix character to be seen since the Matrix came out - has her butt exposed. So, yeah, THAT was cool. Also, there's Elizabeth Rodriguez who defies all expectations of Latinas-with-guns-in-movies by looking sexy, tough and not being Michelle Rodriguez. She completely steals the show in one shoot-out which is cool but a bit odd because you'd think Foxx or somebody would have the spotlight for that particular, er, shot. Good thing he didn't because she actually has some electricity to her, whether it's her Ruffles blonde hair or what she says to the punk before he buys it. It's a solid, crowd-pleasing Hollywood kind of moment of badassery and satisfaction. The scene leading up to it - a covert rescue operation on a bad guy's trailer hideout - is by far the best of the movie with ample tension and teamwork reminiscent of Stand Alone Complex, if only because it's capped off with a tough female taking charge.

If only that was in a better-paced, better-plotted movie... As it stands now Miami Vice is a vastly uneven disappointing flop with a super-simple plot that's twisted and warped to appear more convoluted than it should be. I suppose it was a mistake to watch Mann's superior Collateral the night before because my hopes got way too frickin' high. I guess I'm not as cynical as I should be.

How the fuck is that possible?

GOOD movie news is Batman Begins 2 is The Dark Knight and Heath Ledger is cleverly cast as The Joker. As one of the three good things about Brothers Grimm (Peter Stormare and Jonathan Pryce are the other two kinda sorta I guess) in which he played his role with an almost Monty Python sort of delivery. I guess he's a funny guy. Can he do The Joker, the greatest villain EVAR?

I'll wait to pass judgment till I'm actually in the theater breaking my fingers in excitement but that's definitely an interesting choice. Makes more sense than Michael Keaton or Crispin Glover now that I think about it, to have Joker and Batman be the same age so they can grow into an Alan Moore's Killing Joke type of relationship. Oh Christ, I hope they go that route.

Some things they absolutely have got to do this time around:

1.) Keep David Goyer far away. I don't wanna see anymore "THE MAINS ARE GONNA BLOW!" and "HEY NICE COAT!" guys. Jonathan and Christopher Nolan teamed up for Memento so the grin on my face is wide enough to break my jaw. Hey... I should be The Joker!

2.) Harvey Dent. He's gotta complete the Batman-Gordon team seen in The Long Halloween and he's gotta be awesome. Throw in hints of his temper and a flipping coin and not only will fanboys cry tears of ecstasy his downfall in the third movie will cause heartache. HEART... BREAK.

3.) Detective work. We get very tiny seeds of this in Batman Begins but in The Dark Knight he's also got to grow into the "world's greatest detective."

4.) Some kind of pact/understanding with Lucius Fox. He's no idiot, he knows he's Batman. I guess they could leave it at that since Fox is such a nice honorable guy anyway but something's odd with the amount of people who know Bruce Wayne is Batman.

5.) Harley Quinn. Perhaps. She reveals/does so much for The Joker's character it may be tricky to have her in this. Ideally she would be the prime example of the sick, twisted control The Joker can have on someone, in this case, using sex. Ick. If that's not "dark" I dunno what it is. But her bright-red goofy clown suit may ruin that.

6.) The Penguin and the Kid who hid Batman in his basement! Remember that from the animated series? That would be such an awesome subplot wouldn't it!!!! ALSO HUMMINGBIRD BOMBS

7.) Bring Scarecrow back in some capacity! ZOMG BLARG

Jaaaaaaamesooooon~~

2006-06-30T04:07:00.000-04:00

Oh my stars and garters. I almost lost my Jameson's arm.

Thank god it was in the waste basket.

Meanwhile, the Battlestar Galactica season one soundtrack is shakin'. How many times can I listen to Passacaglia before THE CD WEARS OUT AND IS LAUNCHED INTO THE FUTURE (OR THE PAST?) SOMEHOW WHERE LIUTENANT GAETA WILL FIND IT AND KEEP IT SAFE!!!! HE'S SUCH A CUTIE ^__^;;

Superman was here

2006-06-29T01:10:00.000-04:00

Word is the new Superman flick is all kinds of good. I didn't see it yet. So I watched the original.

Christopher Reeve was adorable. After Superman and Lois fly together they say good night, she realizes "Superman" is a good name and hears knocking. She opens the door for Clark Kent. She's visibly distracted and weirded out so he nerdily asks if she's been hitting the bottle. Lois leaves for a second then Clark, alone, stands at full height, takes his glasses off and relishes in his wily awesomeness. All this is done in one shot and I wish I was that effective on first dates.

Gene Hackman is insane. And has the best movie line ever: "Some people can read War & Peace and come away thinking it's a simple adventure story. Others can read the ingredients on a chewing gum wrapper and unlock the secrets of the universe."

...

Otisberg... OTISBERG?

But some the effects are cheesey and they make no effort to hide the indisputable fact that Metropolis is New York so a remake/sequel looks mighty good right about now.

Meanwhile John Carpenter's The Thing, another remake, is the greatest movie ever made.

I love international casts

2006-06-21T15:54:00.000-04:00

Danny Boyle's new sci-fi disaster flick: http://www.sunshinedna.com/videos/8

Something about seeing Michelle Yeoh and Cillian Murphy together gets my motor running.

The Last Hope

2006-06-09T02:17:00.000-04:00

Movies are sucking hard. Did you see X3? Did you like it? Oh. You did?

Then you're an IDIOT.

Superman could be cool. It could be lame. Pirates/Caribbean could be boring. A Scanner Darkly could be too. Is there anything else to look forward to? Anything at all? Or will V for Vendetta remain the best movie of the year?

Wait... there's something... it hisses. And it flies. With high-speed jet turbines. And passengers.

And the meanest, blackest, baddest motherfucker on the planet.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=coiwZxuBW78

The last straw

2006-05-24T17:09:00.000-04:00

Sony. You and me.

We're through.

[PS3] Sony makes moves to stamp out lucrative second-hand market

Words: Matt Cundy

Wednesday 24 May 2006
High street games shops have been told by Sony that there will be no PS3 pre-owned sections in their stores as it will be illegal for customers to sell any next-gen PlayStation games that they've bought, retail sources have revealed to GamesRadar.

It seems that Sony is planning to adopt a licensing system that will mean gamers won't own the PS3 titles that they've paid money for. Instead, they will only be purchasing the licence to play the game and that the software itself will still be Sony property - meaning that the disc won't be the customer's to sell.

We assume that the thinking behind this move will ultimately be to stop PS3 games being resold several times - which currently snatches potential sales away from Sony - and to counter the impression in consumers' minds that games are only really worth their pre-owned price and are not worth buying new.

When we contacted Sony, it issued us with the following statement: "We have made all of the official announcements at E3 and cannot make any further comments at this time. We will be announcing more news running up to PlayStation 3's launch."

I need a break

2006-05-08T03:33:00.000-04:00

I'm looking foward to Superman Returns. Sort of. I'm not expecting anything good anymore ever again from anything judging from this past month's experiences but something has to be good about it. It's the movie Singer chose to do instead of X3, but I REALLY wish he did X3 so he could've prevented seething bullshit like this. Don't click that if you actually want to avoid spoilers and "be surprised" for when you see it in theaters but the surprising thing about it looks like crap anyway so you might as well get it over with. Bite the bullet. Then load that bullet. Into a pistol. And blast a hole in your palm in hopes your new pain will overwrite the pain caused by that poisonous footage.

Remember Contact? With Jodie Foster and Matthew McCogngnahgaueughahey finding signs of extraterrestrial life through an old broadcast message of Hitler or something? I imagine that clip from X3 as the message we will really find. I imagine Jodie Foster and Matthew McConnahonnawhatthefuck finding that snowy footage, looking at each other with pained, disgusted snarls on their faces, the type of expressions on people you see walking out of a Penn Station bathroom - or anywhere in New York really - and throwing their arms up in the air in surrender only to have James Woods swoop down from a suspended ceiling chain and lop their arms off to use in his perverted James Woods rituals. Then, being the evil James Woods deviant he is, he sends them to space anyway but instead of Jodie Foster's benevolent dad - which was torturous to begin with - they're subjected to getting their heels drilled and filled with hot wax. Because of that clip.

I honestly, truly believe that with every fiber of my soul, with what little worth I have left as a human being on this earth.

...

I mean FUCK did that set come from 1985? Did Roger Avary write that witty banter? Is Brett Ratner really Joel Schumacher in disguise?

A fat hairy disguise?

Save us, Superman. Save me from this frustration and pain.

No butt, no glory

2006-05-05T00:59:00.000-04:00

Get to know Ben: RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
SirTMagus: WHAT
Get to know Ben: RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
SirTMagus: :(:(:(:(
Get to know Ben: I'll show you a sad face.
SirTMagus: i'm still waiting on that
Get to know Ben: I'm waiting on your butt.
SirTMagus: my butt is cold and bony =(
Get to know Ben: I know.
Get to know Ben: :(
SirTMagus: DUDE
SirTMagus: SEE NO EVIL IS ALMOST OUT
Get to know Ben: ::Starts the Parades::
SirTMagus: http://voyager2.ytmnd.com/
Get to know Ben: d00d what'd I say about ytmnd.
Get to know Ben: My computer hates it.
SirTMagus: OH :(
SirTMagus: GOD I RUIN EVERYTHING
Get to know Ben: Yeah, man.
Get to know Ben: Everything is terrible because of you
Get to know Ben signed off at 11:18:34 PM.

Butt Files

2006-04-26T22:52:00.000-04:00

South Park continues to bore.

And my braindead devotion to the Silent Hill movie continues. Next-gen.biz says:

Although the critics grouse, Silent Hill’s real strength comes with how it wears its videogame roots on its sleeve. The first hour and a half or so of the movie almost perfectly nails the atmosphere, pacing, and structure of the first game in the series. Watching that portion of the movie is as close as one can get to playing the games without actually playing them. That this is achieved within the constraints of Hollywood movie-making is remarkable; the problem is that while the film succeeds as an adaptation, it fails as cinema. The world of Silent Hill is vividly brought to life on screen, only to be squandered on schlocky storytelling. Character motivation is weak, the town’s backstory is both unclear and over-explained, and one particular sequence towards the end nearly undermines what the rest of the film sets up. The pieces are fine; they're just not assembled with much skill for cinematic narrative.

Silent Hill is not a step forward for being the first “good” videogame-based movie; by most accounts, it is not. Rather, it is the first movie of its kind that is poised to play an active role in broadening its intended audience. The non-gamer who comes to see Silent Hill unprepared may be confused and disappointed by the film’s seemingly tacked-on and incongruous ending. However, there is also the hope that this viewer will be enticed by what makes the Silent Hill games – and videogames at large – such compelling works of entertainment. If the movie succeeds in this regard, its true value lies not in its box office returns, but in how it points towards using film adaptations as a tool for expanding and enriching the market.

What’s also promising is how series producer/composer Akira Yamaoka took such an active role in the film’s development. He is reportedly so pleased with the results that he intends to incorporate a good chunk of material from the film into the recently-announced PSP remake of the original game. This sort of creative feedback loop (the film takes most of its inspiration from the first game, which in turn was inspired by horror films of the past) is unprecedented, and may provide a blueprint for the future of successful movie-to-game adaptations and vice-versa.

Fair enough. Christophe Gans wants to do Onimusha. It's another visually spectacular property - magical samurai demons! - but its story is remarkably lightweight compared to Silent Hill so I guess it shouldn't be as big of a handful to adapt. Hopefully. But y'know. Can't hope for anything anymore.

I will draw this painful saga to its close with this thing I made.

HEY, E3 is around the corner! Let's see what Square's got in store. Valkyrie Profile 2, FF12, FF6Advance... YUP, that's it for me. Oh hey! That Japanese game I got is gonna be in English.

Adorable.

Finally

2006-04-25T02:22:00.000-04:00

The Ring. The anime.

More horsehockey

2006-04-23T15:37:00.000-04:00

Hm. Thinking about the Rose Da Silva/Harry Mason thing... I was fairly pleased with her but if they did Harry, yeah, that would've been better and even unorthodox. We've seen women get scared in movies. Spider-Man 2 could be called Screaming Women 2: More Screaming Women. When they changed Harry's gender they did it for nothing but weird, sexist reasons that don't really make that much sense. From ComingSoon.net's interview with Gans:

Actually, when we decided to adapt the first game, we decided to have the hero of the first game, a guy named Harry Mason, but when we put him on the paper and tried to be very close to the original character of the game, we noticed that he was almost never acting like a man, but much more like a woman. When we decided to make him a woman, we realized that all the game was filled with women. It was almost like a complete feminine world, so then we realized that it was very interesting that "Silent Hill" was dealing with such issues as motherhood, sisterhood, immaculate conception, and we realized that was a good angle to make the film. It started as a convenient thing, making the character female, but then it became the structure of the project, and we realized that "Silent Hill" was a feminine dimension.

"He was almost never acting like a man?" WTF? So Harry lacks a penis, let's just go the whole nine. :\ Gans is playing off archetypal gender expectations which couldn't please anybody. So a single father can't be concerned for his only remaining family? He's in a frightening situation so let's make him a woman? I dunno but to me, seeing a biiiig stroooong man break down is much scarier, even if that is ALSO playing off gender type since guys are expected to be gun-toting bruisers and not pansy wusses which we rarely ever see unless it's Final Destination or some teenage shit. Then again, I hear The Hills Have Eyes takes the male protagonist idea and does its own crazy gender stuff.

Plus, if the Silent Hill-verse truly is feminine, having a man penetrate its darkness would make more sense and be much more interesting. Hear me out.

Look at Alien. The Nostromo is run by a computer called Mother. The crew is a closeknit family seemingly raped by a phallic invader (yet capable of impregnation), repelled by a feminine force. THAT'S gender play. If Gans really wanted to play with gender he'd take that basic theme with its weirdo contradictions, spin it around and keep Harry, except he wouldn't be a sinister rapist so much as a poor schlub lost in the confusing "otherness" of the terrifying female realm. When the male in Alien invades the female it's to hurt, when Harry visits female Silent Hill it's to save.

Hm. But then that becomes problematic doesn't it? So, a woman NEEDS a man to save her. Ho-hum, whatever, we saw that. But this wouldn't be a romantic relationship - it's his daughter. It's about family. Cybil, Harry and Cheryl would reinforce traditional American family values at the end... I guess. =\ Not that I'm offering right-wing crap like "family values" as an alternative to Gans' and Avary's "kill the red states" idea but that's how the game was and it felt better.

But after ruminating all that I can see why they chose Rose even if introducing the feminine into the feminine doesn't seem to add up to anything unless you count a deal with the devil, despair and a family torn apart. The gender politics get complicated don't they?

This hill sure is silent!

2006-04-23T00:48:00.000-04:00

You know how much of a whiney blowhard I can be so here's my basic summation:

Opening - Lame but thankfully quick
First half - Almost gold
Second half - Mostly bullshit
Ending - Dumb as fuck

AND NOW SOME DETAIL LOL

Roger Avary's script is problematic. To the core. The dialogue ranges from passable to heinous, getting worse and worse as the movie drags on. I accepted Sharon screaming "Silent HILL!!!! SILENT HILLLL!" in the very first scene though that is a dumb-shit way to introduce the name of the movie and town, I even accepted Dahlia's and Cristabella's cryptic asswiping. But how on Earth did Silent Hill get me thinking about Monty Python & The Holy Grail? When a crew of terribly dressed bums scream "BURN THE WITCH! BURN THE WITCH! (Yeah!) BURN HER!"

Roger Avary needs to goddamn listen to what real people are saying so he can get a feel for how people talk (see Rules of Attraction. Or don't. ). No one's writing acclaims about Silent Hill the Videogame's hokey dialogue but in a film...... GOD. I feel the movie would've been far more effective had it been silent. Okay, if that's too much to ask, mostly silent (Hill lol). There's a lot of unnecessary quipping. "Look, there's a room behind this painting." Yes we can see that. Don't tell us the obvious. "We need to go to Room 111." Yeah, we figured that out. "Use this to swing back over here!" YEAH, WE KNOW, FUCK. No one else wanted to punch Cybil everytime she opened her pixie-headed maw? She's perhaps the guiltiest stupid quip quoter with "What the FUCK was THAT?" and "WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE?!" and worst of all, the line that just had to be repeated for some reason, "Mother is God in the child's eyes." So fucking what. Let us do the analyzing. Ellen Ripley didn't right out say "I am a badass lioness crusading for the safety of my adoptive kid." ...Right? Hm.

Avary forgot some very, very basic screenwriting do's and don'ts. Though I feel Matrix 2 got away with it because of the philosophuck nature of its narrative Silent Hill has no excuse for its Architect scene. Everything was overexplained and was already hinted at earlier in the movie, and yeah, actually managed to be more convoluted than the original game. How could Avary make an even bigger clusterfuck of the original by merely explaining it MORE? I haven't a clue. And was there a reason that fade-to-white lasted longer than it should've other than to piss me off?

Characters and their motivations were BLEH except for Rose who was pretty much spot-on, she even had a Heather-esque appearance. Sure, she's a fanatical mother, nuts enough to make a deal with the devil. Okay, fine. What about her marriage with Chris? Poor useless ol' Chris? Why abandon your husband - who seems to care a LOT for his family even if he IS a bumblefuck - for adopted demonspawn? I think that could've been worked on... Cybil has no real reason to be around other than to make sure there's a gun in the movie and to give us more of a reason to hate those dastardly cultists when they barbecue her. But those cultists should'nt be there anyway because they're annoying and stupid as hell.

So why are all these useless characters hanging around making things worse? Because there needs to be MORE! MORE MORE MORE. It's not a live-action MOVIE unless there's a LOT of SHIT to PUT UP WITH. Silent Hill does NOT need to be 127 minutes long. There's a terrific movie in there somewhere but they just had to pad it all up with bullshit. Cut out Chris and Officer Gucci and the film doesn't suffer. Cut out the Cybil character or at least make her tolerable and give her something to do and the movie can ONLY improve.

Cut out the annoying cult and are you missing anything? Not really, a reason isn't even given for what they're doing besides BURNING WITCHES YEEAAAAHHHHHH. If you really wanna know why they're so fucking annoying it's because Cristophe and Avary wanted to throw a Bush metaphor in there. Seriously. It's all but confirmed by Rose's accusation of Cristabella "using fear to control you!" and Avary himself in the latest Script magazine. Gans apparently said something like "Silent Hill will expose the cult mentality of the United States!" So, yeah, you're not watching Alessa ferociously eviscerate cultists with barbed wire tentacles. You're really watching a French director and liberal jackoff screenwriter eviscerate President Bush/the sheeplike masses/Roger Ebert with barbed wire tentacles. It's insulting, disgusting and over-the-top. Since when is Silent Hill about gratuitous fatalities?

The movie's second half was already suffering from a botched pace and ridiculous plotting. Let me see if I got this straight: Cristabella offers to help Rose for some reason. Then sends her to "the demon" who turns out to be Alessa, someone who REALLY has it out for Cristabella and the cult. After the shittiest monologue ever heard by human ears Rose BRINGS Alessa RIGHT to Cristabella. IS... IS CRISTABELLA RETARDED? Well, yes, yes she is, but sending some stranger directly to the aid of your worst enemy is not only the dumbest fucking thing ever it's also the dumbest fucking way to rush a movie to its grisly, outrageous, atrocious end.

At this point Avary and Gans do follow an important film rule which is to show the audience something they never saw before. Alessa's barbed wire massacre is something I won't soon forget but that doesn't make it any less horribly tasteless. It's the worst offender of the "MORE MORE MORE" mentality of the film. Gans promised us "elegant horror." Silent Hill's climax is anything but. This was slasher shock schlock more suitable for Even More Anacondas: There's a Copperhead in My Cooch. It was embarrassing.

And of course, the obligatory depressing/confusing ending. Fitting for a Silent Hill movie I suppose but still unsatisfying. Is Rose warned what's at stake for her when she makes the deal with Alessa? Because she DOES what Alessa wants, causes the death of a bunch of awful people and fulfills a demon's revenge wish yet she's... punished with the Foggy World? I don't get it. And once again, Chris gets shat upon.

The very very very end was the last thing I liked. I felt pretty bad for Chris, even if I felt worse for myself =\ but the last lingering shot on the bush - wait, was it a ROSE bush? - is the first and only organic thing we see, perhaps the only time we ever see the color green. It was a nice, very David Lynch thing to do.

So what else did I like? If you're foolish enough to have read this far might as well find out!

Introducing Rose in her underwear was a great touch. Not because of the odd amount of skin revealed in the first few seconds of the flick but because it brought Ellen Ripley to mind (again), as if the movie was invoking the horror history before it. But y'know I'M THE ONLY PERSON TO EVER THINK THAT so that doesn't matter. But Rose was pretty solid overall. Anyone got a theory as to why she suddenly wears red at the end?

The title card was fantastic, the logo with the floating snow/ash... the snowy scenes were gorgeous. The whole movie is a visual and technical marvel, a FEAST of frightening and disturbing imagery, even if none of it is really scary. And the MUSIC. Ecstatic, except for that piano music whenever Alessa/Sharon shows up, they used that three too many times. >:

The first half of the movie is, save for a few hiccups, spot-on shot-for-shot Silent Hill. Once she wipes that ash flake off her face the movie clicks , becomes a beautifully faithful recreation of the first game's first moments and it's awesome. The siren, the radio, the rain, the girl running away, the bloody gurney, the camera angles, the Gray Children... the movie peaks right there for me. That's when it's perfect and frightening.

The stride continues at the school, Rose in handcuffs is a great touch, and Chris "feeling" her was pretty cool/sad. The siren, the darkness... anytime the darkness comes (in the first half) I'm right there with the movie. Pyramid Head's entrance was appropriately intense even if he was merely fan service and served next to no narrative purpose whatsoever... except for killing Anna... who also served no purpose aside revealing just how retarded the cultists are. Who's the worst Silent Hill character? Anna or Jasper? At least Jasper had chocolate milk.

There's a terrific movie in Silent Hill somewhere. Its obvious Gans and Avary respect the material but all we get is the overlong, self-indulgent version they wanted to see.

Is it dead?

2006-04-21T20:32:00.000-04:00

So Silent Hill is supposed to suck. I couldn't find out last night and I probably won't even find out tonight. At this point it's hard to care.

About ANYTHING.

Camptown Races

2006-04-17T02:14:00.000-04:00

This is the best music video ever.

And Metal Gear Solid 3 online is FUN as BALLS.

Onimusha 4's pretty fun too. Still not up to Onimusha 2's par but, so far, better than 3. It does continue 3's not making any sense at all but why should Capcom start crafting intelligible storylines now?

Warming up

2006-04-15T02:26:00.000-04:00

It's been a while. And I'm tired. But it's been a while and a lot's happened/happening. List time.

- I'm an idiot. I finally realized my professors are all brainwashing socialist SCUM. Communism sounds great and all despite its fucking failure but uh can we PLEASE talk about the literature I wasted my money and afternoons on?
- Eureka Seven premieres tonight. But you can watch it online at http://www.adultswim.com. It's charming, colorful and fun. Reminds me of FLCL and Xenogears. I look forward to getting the DVD set (w/ shirt, manga, box and soundtrack ZOMG)
- 2nd Gig continues to kick my ass.
- I saw a bunch of movies this week. None of which have agreed with me, all of them Japanese. In order of viewing: Cruel Story of Youth (MST3K-worthy), Maison de Himiko (boring), Wild Berries (boring), Tamala 2010 (screwy but boring), Preparation for the Festival (twisted but got boring).
- Also saw Secret Agent, old Hitchcock movie. I should watch more of those. Peter Lorre's the man.
- Silent Hill is a week away. I may even see a preview screening of it. Meanwhile I've been looping this one-minute clip over and over.
- I'm probably not gonna do anything this summer. I will be a waste of life. Of space. Of money and food. I'm sure my father will be pleased. At least, I want to improve my writing, my drawing and I want to run again. I miss it.

Speaking of drawing, I need a lotta work.

Batgirl. Look at Batgirl.

My version of Batgirl again. Fun to draw till I realized I can't even give her a damn pose.

Film noir guy. Proud of the hat.

Here he is again. Something's happening!

Once more. I saw that I drew his coat way too short so I... drew more coat. Didn't notice it before but I guess his scruff is basically Jet's from Cowboy Bebop.

Dingo Egret from ZOE2. Always liked his design but damn did I forget all the detail. Not a bad normal pose. The swirly knees come from Gabe. There's a failed Batgirl on the side.

Rutger again. Still context-less.

I dunno. Femme fatale? Chinese temptress? Something. Inspired by Shanghai, a novel from a pinko revolutionary class.

SHOCK

2006-03-22T20:02:00.000-05:00

I'm a little disappointed in Trey and Matt tonight. For an episode that took as long as a coffee break to write it WAS pretty good but it had all the obvious signs of a rushed-ass script any jerk with a decent sense of humor could've written. A jerk, like, y'know, me and or any one of my creative WRITING pals. Or us TOGETHER. Frankly, it reminded me of the stuff Jeff and I used to write in middle and high schools. Random bullshit, terrible violence, twist ending, insults galore, a big fat Star Wars reference... it was all shocks and cruelty. Childish, mean and mostly hilarious, it was a disgusting way to send off a character who's been there since the beginning. Pederasty and explosive shits and Darth Vader are hilarious... but part of me still feels dissatisfied.

While some of the gags were brilliant - like reusing old Chef sound bytes for dialogue or the counselor/FBI guy felching a doll - a some of them were also, well, pretty bad, like the old Super Adventure Club guy threatening the kids with security guards. Three times. The joke was so weightless it was almost as if crickets could be heard from the recording studio. The Architect from the Wal-Mart episode was a far better unintimidating old guy. A jab at Scientology? Again? And the neverending violence... Certainly well-animated (sorta) but I guess I got numb to it...? I dunno. Mixed feelings.

Lost was also mixed but this one leans much more to the dumb disappointing side of TV. Which is usually dumb and disappointing anyway. The best of Lost treats its audience and characters with respect, humor and threatening mystery. That was mostly in the first season. This season has a few bright moments - the introduction of Mr. Eko (Adebisi's OZ :D), the moral self-destruction of Charlie and Sayid, the return of creepy Ethan, the death of that oily blonde cunt - but if I were to sum it all up I'd say it's in... ugh, a sophomore slump.

I think the problem's in the serial format of the show. It's.. a TV show, so of course it's serialized but the show's narrative is running on its own slowass clock. It's been a year and a half since it premiered in our world but on that island it's been a little over a month since they crashed. I think the writers fucking forgot that. Because of this characters sometimes act like they have no goddamn brain (Did Sayid forget what Taco Girl DID to him...last WEEK?) and events drag on FOR SO LONG that it's becoming really difficult to care. That, and they're recycling the same old tired TV bullshit EVERYONE is familiar with.

Lost has a LOT of potential but the serialized format and lazy writing is fucking it up. Why aren't these characters asking IMPORTANT QUESTIONS and DOING IMPORTANT THINGS? They all seem pretty relaxed to me. Maybe I should just wait for the DVD set and watch them back-to-back so I can be disappointed quickly instead of on a week-to-week (or 2-4 week) basis. When I first caught wind of the show I thought it had to be a mini-series. I wish it was.

Oscars BLAHSCARS

2006-03-07T17:52:00.000-05:00

So Crash won. I didn't see it but I'm sure it's pretentious bullshit - like the audience at the show. If this show proved one thing it's what the most reasonable among us knew forever: celebrities are fucking astronauts.

Some comments from Metacritic.com. They're from users and they're actually more interesting than the critics. So, EVERYBODY sucks! http://www.metacritic.com/tv/shows/78thannualacademyawards

Drew F gave it a 4:
Stewart recognized that his material was tanking early on, and so he opted for much safer comedy for the rest of the night. On one hand, probably a safe choice, on the other: BLAH. This show really did a good job of displaying the political and social disconnect between Hollywood and the heartland of America. Seemed like it was all a tribute to Hollywood's collective head shoved up it's ass. Sad. Do you think THIS is really the way to make box office receipts go UP? By telling the rest of America that they're idiots and that they should follow the Hollywood intellectuals and their TRAIL BLAZING WAYS? And to top it all off, the most bland, contrived film nominated took home the award for Best Picture. Keep believing your own press, Hollywood!

Heh. Yup.

joe gave it a 5:
crash won? seriously? crash? give me a break! but, three 6 completely made up for that travesty of justice by making a few million white people REALLY uncomfortable. i think that's a lot more relevant statement of race than crash will ever be.

Um. I guess? Maybe? What would us stupid white folk know of the artistic relevance of repetitive hip-hop? If it's not smooth jazz then fuck it M I RITE lol

JGC: gave it an 8:
Opening bit about past hosts was great. Jon proved a good MC for the proceedings. Some jokes and comments funny, some just mildly clever. But blaming him for a boring Show is like blaming the Pastor for a funeral. best regards.

YES. Best analogy I've seen in a long time. Jon wasn't bad. I mean, he was hardly onstage and when he was he took potshots at celebrity assholes and the bullshit of the business. So, fuck you, L.A.

Los Angeles Times - Paul Brownfield
As TV comedy, anyway, the gambit worked, even if you couldn't help notice the look of vague comprehension on the faces of the stars themselves. Stewart's monologue might have played as a kind of well-written chore, but then he hit his stride as the show went on, mostly by doing what he does so well on his own program -- jokes out of videotape.

WHOOPS nevermind.

I suppose the most excitement I got from it was the Batman Begins nomination for Cinematography. They showed the clip of Bruce standing surrounded by the swirling bats. MMMMFFFFFF. So my excitement lasted approximately 1.4 seconds. Oh and they showed a clip from Blade Runner in a nifty TRIBUTE to EPICS or something. So, that brings my excitement up to 2.5 seconds perhaps. But there were also shots of Return of the Jedi and Fellowship of the Ring so... okay, let's say four seconds flat. But there was also a NOIR TRIBUTE using the L.A. Confidential theme music and there were tired-looking guys wearing awesome hats in smoky black and white so... shit... ok, I'll round up to a minute. A MINUTE. Phooey.

It was also nice for Philip Seymour Hoffman to win. He's filthy! Can't wait to see him in Mission: Impossible III - Philip Seymour Hoffman Does Mean Things or Whatever to Special Agent Ethan Hunt's Girlfriend or Wife!

We can fly

2006-03-01T01:46:00.000-05:00

Just watched the end of Macross Plus, the original OVA.

MAN. There's something to be said about friendships - relationships in general - in anime. You can be a total jerk but with enough heroism and fervor, in the end, you can redeem anybody. Even Kaneda and Tetsuo were best buds in the end. =(

And the SOUNDTRACK. I thought I heard the best Kanno had to offer in Cowboy Bebop and Stand Alone Complex but Macross Plus will hypnotize you... then force you to kill IN THE NAME OF LOVE AND ADVENTURE.

Editors of the world: pay attention

2006-02-20T02:07:00.000-05:00

This is my OPINION OF COURSE LOL but I believe this guy, John of the Ask John thing over at Anime Nation: http://animenation.net/news/askjohn.php?id=1239 needs a bit of editing. So it's not so boring.

Color-coded for convenience. Blue = Miyazaki is making movies for himself. Green = Positives and negatives of his recent movies. Red = ZOMG his earlier movies are better. Black = stuff that's mostly okay. Pink = spelling error.

The question is something like "Why is Hayao Miyazaki a self-serving asshat instead of a pandering clown anymore?"

Ironically I suspect that it is exactly Miyazaki's desire to make personal films that is doing the most harm to his movies. I thought that Mononoke was a breathtaking film, yet it still had minor flaws. Spirited Away was amazing to look at, but lacked fully effective characterization for Chihiro and suffered with disjointed narrative. Howl suffered even further from that trend. Sophie's first meeting with Howl ranks among the best sequences of animation Miyazaki has ever produced. The entire film is amazing to look at. But Howl's Moving Castle doesn't feel like a single evolving story, in part because its characterizations aren't established well enough, and in part because the story feels like a series of consecutive events rather than like a narrative in which events naturally occur. While I respect, appreciate, and enjoy Hayao Miyazaki's recent films, none of them are as powerful or emotionally moving as earlier classics like Nausicaa, Laputa, Totoro and Kiki.

I mean no offense when I say that I suspect that age and status is making Miyazaki more obstinate. Despite his claimed desire to create authentic art untethered to commercial restraints, he's spent most of his career making films for viewers. It seems as though recently he's earned the right and ability to make more personal films, which is resulting in beautiful looking but opaque films. In his recent interview, Miyazaki points out the visual impact of the train sequence in Spirited Away and the falling stars in Howl's Moving Castle. These references may be representative of Miyazaki's increasing focus on satisfying his own wishes for his films, instead of concentrating foremost on creating a fulfilling and satisfying experience for viewers. The fact that Miyazaki made repeated public statements that his target audience for Spirited Away was ten year old Japanese girls, and his relatively recent statements that Ghibli movies are primarily made for native Japanese viewers affirms that he hasn't entirely lost sight of his target audience. But I have the feeling that increasingly lately the target audience of his films is as much himself as it is his audience.

I've watched Princess Mononoke, Spirited Away, and Howl's Moving Castle several times each. I've purchased nearly all of the Studio Ghibli movies on imported Japanese and domestic DVD. I own a fairly large collection of Studio Ghibli memorabilia. I've enjoyed Miyazaki's recent films, but I can't deny that they lack some of the dramatic narrative impact and some of the warmth and soul of his earlier films. Ironically I think this may be because the director is increasingly concentrating on excluding commercialism from his movies. Making movies that satisfy his own tastes and desires results in technically highly artistic films, but also films that make perfect sense to the director, but leave the viewer slightly lost and confused. I don't think that Hayao Miyazaki will ever loose his relevance to the international film community or among viewers. Even when flawed, films like Howl's Moving Castle are still stunning accomplishments and wondrous cinematic experiences. Each films that Miyazaki has directed has had impressive and memorable visual impact. In recent films consider the marvelous natural scenery and the giant god of the forest's movements. Spirited Away had its phenomenally ornate bath house and its menagerie of patrons. Howl's Moving Castle featured the castle itself, and Sophie's amazingly rendered thriving home town. I do have doubts, though, about whether or not Miyazaki will again create a film that has the empathetic impact of his earlier works. I suspect that the man's personality and perspective have evolved since the time he made films like Nausicaa and Laputa, and I have a feeling that he's no longer inclined to make films precisely in the way that he did ten or twenty years ago. Regardless of his future production, Hayao Miyazaki's existing body of work guarantees his place in film history. And even his most insubstantial or unsatisfying films are still more creative, interesting, and beautiful than most of the world's cinema. I think that Hayao Miyazaki has reached a point in his career at which he is concentrating more on creating art than creating commercial film. I respect that goal, but the problem with that principle is that it results in movies that are somewhat more meaningful for the director than for the audience.

Why are there people like Frank??!

2006-02-11T03:01:00.000-05:00

I didn't sleep through Nausicaa! I actually like it a lot more the 2nd time.

Joe sent me his Wacom tablet! I love you, Joe!

Stop fighting everyone! Stop fighting everyone! Stop fighting everyone!

2006-02-10T02:43:00.000-05:00

I gotta watch Nausicaa in anime class today.

I'm so gonna sleep through it.

Because I'm a nerd

2006-02-08T01:47:00.000-05:00

And this is what nerds do:

Res Evil DS - 2/7
Drakengard 2 - 2/14
Super Princess Peach - 2/27
Black - 2/28
Tales of Phantasia - 3/6
Onimusha: Dawn of Whatever - 3/14
Metal Gear Solid 3: Substinence - 3/14
Metroid Prime Hunters - 3/20
Tetris DS - 3/20
Mother 3 - 4/20 Japan
Phantasy Star Universe - May??
Rogue Galaxy - ???
Zelda: Twilight Princess - ???
Final Fantasy 5 Advance - ???
Final Fantasy 6 Advance - ???
Final Fantasy 12 -???

AI no SENSHI

2006-02-07T01:21:00.000-05:00

Some more of my sketches scanned from various workbooks, notebooks, sketchbooks.

Locke from FF6.

Kenshin and some girl.

Kenshin again. Expect more.

I started drawing something else but it just ended up as a dumb Sephiroth.

Ah. One of the main characters from Pulse (Kairo), the delectable horror movie by Kiyoshi Kurosawa. The American version is coming out in March with Boone from Lost and Veronica Mars starring. Ugh. The Japanese actor was really good in a goofy, charming way, like if Tidus from FFX was in a J-horror, as damning as that sounds.

Goofy Kenshin from the 50/50 awesome/awful series.

Supposed to be a sort of self portrait. Y'know, if I looked great from a profile angle, my hair obeyed me and I had Hughes scruff from Fullmetal Alchemist.

The last OVA-styled Rurouni Kenshin this time with a Bruce Timm-styled square jaw. I'm taking a modern Japanese literature class which involves a lot of the Meiji Restoration of 1868. The fictional Kenshin was supposed to have fought in that uprising so it was really cool to learn some of the history that went into the anime. Thus the sad, scarred ronin sketches.

Four views of Ashley Riot from Vagrant Story. In a Vagrant Story film adaptation I imagine him looking pained and/or determined in the rain, in the dark, at the end... Anthony Hopkins for Duke Bardorba!

Taking an anime class this semester. So far the first episode of Astro Boy was all we watched but we read some material about mythology. Evangelion matches nearly everything a myth needs like the father abandoning the hero. What would anime and RPGs be without that old chestnut?

I wanted to do something with dramatic shading but it ended up like some kind of emo thing. Bleh.

Goofy Batou. Grr! Teeth!

Now here's a Batou I can get behind! Unf! I like his Steven Seagal ponytail.

An ugly noir guy I've been drawing. I'd like to use him in something but I dunno what... Parts of me want to give him vampiric superpowers or make him a zombie or something if only because of his ghoulish appearance. Otherwise I see him as a Jonah Hex/Goliath from Gargoyles type of do-gooder.

More ugly guy. I just thought of Rutger Hauer so I'm thinking of naming him Rutger. Or something. I really like the left one most. The top guy was supposed to be someone Rutger could interact with maybe but he just turned out to be either Vincent from Silent Hill 3 or my brother if he was a devilish cur. That's probably the best pair of glasses I ever drew.... drawed. Drew.

Most recent Rutger pic. I like the big expressive eyes even if that expression is "angry" or "skeptical" most of the time.

I got some more things in the tubes I plan to color. Hopefully I'll receive that tablet from Joe soon. Can't wait to try that baby out!

Beaverton

2006-02-06T00:02:00.000-05:00

Turbulent weekend. Birthdays and things. I saw The Three Burials of Melquiades Estrada and The Squid and the Whale. Independent movies love AWFUL SEX. And awful people.

They were both good but Squid and the Whale has the grand distinction of being short. Melquiades is a journey movie but DAYMN it feels like it. When movies feel like they need to be overlong epics it's refreshing to see a movie so concise and punctuated. Both flicks featured heavily bearded, filthy lead actors yet both focused more on the younger co-stars and their journies, coming-of-age, redemption, whatnot. Each story was, ultimately, about their sorry asses.

Squid/Whale also has the music from Risky Business - that trance-y synth theme that plays when Tom and Becky (big ups) do THE BUSINESS on the train. It was nice to hear that again albeit in slimier, somehow-seedier circumstances.

2nd Gig was on last night so I got a chance to show it to my pals. Even for a slow courtoom episode they were impressed! The music, the animation, the dense-as-hell dialogue... w00t! That was during Hanae's birthday party. I think I was the only American there but I was still (very) surprised no one saw the Alien movies or knew Kyle MacLachlan. =(

Important news: Snakes on a Plane is still en route. Important links:
- Sam Jackson confirming the title of the movie
- An unbelievable tee
- Read the customer review

Thanks to Jeff for the snakemazement.

That's oekaki down there. I drew those with a mouse. It was difficult at first but you can see my progression. That's Wander from Shadow of the Colossus, Batou from Ghost in the Shell, Poison Ivy from uh BATMAN, and the Major from GitS. Wander was my first, Major the last and my favorite.

Oekaki desu

2006-01-29T12:59:00.000-05:00

All good things...

2006-01-17T22:07:00.000-05:00

Back at school. First day of classes and already, some odd things:

- Eva, a hyperinvolved girl of Chinese/Canadian origin (I think??), spent her time in the jungle of Laos over break. And she plans to go the Philippines, Angkor Wat and all these other exotic Asian locales in the coming year (Why not Europe? Because she DID Europe). She also wants to produce small films and make a website featuring a few of my talents (and George's) including, maybe, a new webcomic, during her remaining time in college. This conversation rattled my cage, reminding me just how modest, mousy, wimpy and American I am. Jungles? Tiki huts? Asia? But... where will I plug in my PS2? =(

- I read Norwegian Wood by Haruki Murakami on the bus. My winter coat still on, my scarf wrapped around my neck and trailing down the length of my upper body. My legs were crossed in that relaxed gentlemanly way, not the "I'm hiding my wang" way. My hair unwashed and stringy, a layer of scruff on my face. Out of the corner of my right eye I notice the guy three seats away from me holding something to his face, something silvery then suddenly a small flash. For some reason someone wanted a picture of me, a somewhat literate hobo on a bus. I didn't say anything to him.

- I bought two boxes of orange juice. The cashier was a nice black woman. I noticed the book she had bookmarked on the counter: Blacks in Bondage. ... =(

Best of 2005

2005-12-30T15:54:00.000-05:00

Best Movies I've Seen

Batman Begins
Sin City
Steamboy
Oldboy
Good Night & Good Luck
King Kong
Capote
The Elephant Warrior
Final Fantasy VII: Advent Children
A History of Violence
Special Addition: Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith

Best Videogames I've Played

Resident Evil 4
Shadow of the Colossus
Burnout Revenge
Dragon Quest VIII
Slime MoriMori Dragon Quest 2
We <3 Katamari
Mario Kart DS
Meteos
Guitar Hero
Castlevania: Dawn of Sorrow
Special Addition: Half-Life 2

DVD Reflection: Ghost in the Shell 2: Innocence
Ghost in the Shell 2: Innocence
With only two real action scenes to speak of the story of Innocence trudges at a melancholy, even languid pace culminating in a goofy freeze frame after a heavyhanded reminder of humanity's egotism and mortality, in case you forget these existential themes during the rampant philisophizing of cyborgs seeking souls and answers.

Sounds boring and pretentious but why then do I love it? Essentially, Innocence is Blade Runner the Animated Movie. Blade Runner Redux. Noir cyborg cop goes after renegade androids, jazz and speeches ensue. But if Blade Runner was a sermon (with pastor Roy Batty perhaps?) then Innocence is a whirlwind seminar, a professor that drops names, concepts, titles, authors, dares you to look it all up then leaves you confused or irritated. At the very least, director Mamoru Oshii encourages you to read.

But cold idea exchange is nothing compared to Batou's lonely care for his dog Gabriel. Lonely, bitter, wanting, Batou would pass Deckard's Voigt-Kampff test with flying colors.

Kom Susser Flod

2005-12-12T01:23:00.000-05:00

http://www.scifi.com/scifiwire2005/index.php?id=33604

Eva is required viewing for humanity, absolutely, and a popular live-action feature will definitely get the job done, "spread the message" and whatnot.

Damn, it better be brilliant. Brilliance or bust.

How gay am I?!

2005-12-07T04:24:00.000-05:00

Thought that Reno result was weird? Look at THIS:

Results

The following table divides a general personality into four aspects.
Your personality aspects are shown in the middle column of the table.
Each aspect's compatiblity with Rei is shown in the far-right column,
and you can look at these to get a rough idea of your overall compatiblity.

Your Personality Aspects:

Aspect Category	Your Aspect	Compatibility With Rei
Abstract/Concrete	CONCRETE	INCOMPATIBLE
Introvert/Extrovert	INTROVERT	COMPATIBLE
Logical/Emotional	LOGICAL	COMPATIBLE
Dominant/Submissive	SUBMISSIVE	COMPATIBLE

You are most like the Evangelion character: Rei Ayanami

You are almost like Rei in the major personality aspects.
As far as relating to each other as people, you would be able
to work well with Rei and be good friends with her as well.
However, the problem with most Submissive Introverts like yourself
and Rei is initiating a relationship (since the both of you are
rather people-shy). Once you take the first step toward Rei, you'll find
that the both of you have a lot in common.

You are 89% compatible with Rei.

...I don't want to be made of straw anymore. =( ....and I have no idea how to get rid of the GODDAMN gap under "Your Personality Aspects."

Anyway, wanna see how much of a loser YOU are? Take the Rei Compatibility test here: http://www.lonelyangel.com/mainhtml.php?content=sections/compatibility_test.php

Slightly less depressing: I found the latest chapter of the Evangelion manga online some blog... thing is... it's dated March 7, 2005!!! What the heck is the hold-up?! =(

http://www.designchronicle.com/memento/archives/shinseiki_evangelion_ch65.html

Scans and impressions can be found there. I love what Sadamoto is doing with "his version" of the story. I hope he continues developing Rei into a warmer person than she's seen in the anime. Her scene with Shinji at the fountain is one of the more surprising new twists to the manga... and Kaworu is completely different! It should be interesting to see how he ends... frankly, I hope it's something fresh. The more endings to Eva, the better, I think. At this rate though we'll find out... by 2015. =
When I'll be... 29. Weird isn't it? We're the Second Impact generation.

lolz misato chil out k

Sweet beats

2005-12-03T01:55:00.000-05:00

Two weeks of HEEEELL until the semester is over. Then it's Dragon Quest VIII, movie making/editing and debauchery. Oh, and CHRISTMAS. :D

And perhaps even more Ghost in the Shell!!!!!!!11111

oh noz haxx0RZ

That's Dai on the right and my gnarled hands on the left. What a HANDSOME man!

If you ever wondered about Japan's fanta commercials...

2005-12-01T16:26:00.000-05:00

You are RENO. Yeah, admit it, you're a smart-ass.

What Final Fantasy VII character are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

A dumb quiz, but HEY. I'm RENO.

So I talked to my Japanese culture professor today. He was at the Dai Sato/Azuma/McGray talk last night too. He thought Azuma came off as kind of a nationalist dick and that Eva is not the be-all, end-all of anime. He wanted more of a debate between the two as Azuma was more of a hardcore anime-is-Japanese-and-only-for-Japanese glory hog and Sato was more in league with Toshiya Ueno's naive 1960s-esque let-the-world's cultures-dance-together-in-harmony ideal.

My professor specifically used the word "naive." Of course anime is distinctly Japanese and of course us white boys will never be Japanese but what's really naive, in my opinion, is Azuma's notion that anime is central to one culture and one culture only. He insisted that us Westerners are only in love with the image of anime, not the history or identity behind it.

Even if Dai Sato never wrote an episode of Cowboy Bebop, Champloo or S.A.C. I think it's easy to see who would be the more popular of the two.

*is all goofy and shit with Rude lol*

Aeria gloris, aeria gloris

2005-12-01T01:34:00.000-05:00

Earlier in the evening I met Dai Sato, the head screenwriter of anime series like Samurai Champloo, Cowboy Bebop and latest obsession, Ghost in the Shell: Stand Alone Complex. He was accompanied by Hiroki Azuma, an anime critic/philosopher who wrote a book called Dobutsuka-suru Postmodern (Animalizing Postmodernity) which I should probably seek and read. He mentioned it often. Douglas McGray, whose Japanese pop culture-related articles appeared in NY Times Magazine, Wired, TIME Asia and several others, moderated the talk.

Here are the highlights! I'd go into detail but I got approximately four hours of sleep the past day and I aim to make it up somewhat by sleeping... now!

- Evangelion was mentioned often. Everyone agreed any discourse about otaku culture can't escape Evangelion. Azuma said something akin to "no anime can compare to Evangelion." Dai Sato didn't object. It's interesting I'm not the only one with Eva constantly in mind.

- A black/latino musician guy asked Dai Sato about Yoko Kanno. Everyone agreed: we all love Yoko Kanno.

- Dai Sato is the most generous, hospitable, patient anime screenwriter alive. I GOT TO TALK TO HIM AND GET HIS PICTURE AND AUUUGHHHHH

- Earler in the month Toshiya Ueno, another scholarly type interested in the otaku phenomenon, came ot my Japan Mass Culture class and gave an outrageously complicated whirlwind talk. After class we chat for a bit and he told me to tell his friend Dai Sato "hi." So I told Dai Sato "hi" for Toshiya Ueno and Dai Sato almost fell on the floor from surprise. In that Japanese way.

- I thanked him for the A- I got on my paper about The Man With 21 Faces incident. Basically, it's this crime that happened in mid-80s Japan when a "mystery man" kidnapped the president of the Glico food corporation. It began a bizarre and theatrical crime, inspired by a villain from a Edogawa Rampo story - the Man With 20 Faces. Dai Sato updated that caper with the Laughing Man story in Stand Alone Complex. He asked if I had the paper with me and I didn't. He looked disappointed then said to post it online.

- Then I told him how insightful and fantastic the Tachikoma Escapes, The Director's Dream episode was and that it's a favorite among me and my friends. He was very flattered. I wanted to go into how the Tachikoma and the girl and how the movie theater reflected the world and international culture exchange and idea and thought and Motoko's tears and Batou's lame pass but... I didn't want to overwhelm him. Especially with stuff he wrote.

- Dai Sato signed my Stand Alone Complex tin. In Japanese, in English and... the date. Hanae said that was important. She also took our picture. For now though, the tin:

He also said his work with Stand Alone Complex' third season was complete and it's up to the rest of the team now. "Look forward to an announcement next year."

Oh man. The only thing that could make this any better would be--

YES!!!

*falls over in that Japanese way*

They'll fry your brains!

2005-11-29T03:49:00.000-05:00

Hisashiburi DA NA... CROUDO...

Got Unleashed from NetFlix and my Ghost in the Shell 2: Innocence DVD replacement disc today. I just tested it out. New shiny white subtitles, no stupid closed captions like [machine gun fire], [birds chirping], or [silence].

Then I skipped forward to the end credits to hear Follow Me.

I sighed a heavy sigh.

http://batou.ytmnd.com

Reavers and tartar sauce

2005-10-31T04:28:00.000-05:00

I saw Serenity and The Weather Man over the weekend.

One is a rousing, sci-fi adventure story full of wit, heart and danger. The other is an American melodrama about the depressing quagmire that is raising a family while holding a job you don't want.

In both there is a great struggle for truth and a whole lot of pain.

Happy Halloween.

Unfamiliar Ceiling

2005-10-28T03:51:00.000-04:00

"We beat the angel but I don't feel happy..."

It's so weird to see Evangelion on TV. Unedited no less. Nostalgia creeps over me, my chest aches with melancholy. But I've seen it so much I'm surprised I don't have the episode titles memorized yet. Hearing the dub again, Gendo's English voice as unforgiving-yet-menacing as his Japanese counterpart, brings me right back to the first time I saw the show. Freshman year of high school... Around the same time I played the equally angsty Final Fantasy VIII. Happy times indeed.

I told my Japanese pal, Hanae, to watch it tonight but first we went to get some dinner. "14 was not a good age to watch Eva," I tell her. To make the evening even more Japanese we had sushi. I am the biggest anachronism ever.

"Oh yeeaahhh... The main character's 14 isn't he?"

"Shinji? Yeah. Yeah, he is." And I continue to make sad faces at her inbetween bites of Spider Roll. This must've confused her a bit though I think my little performance was clear -- I was not a happy 14-year-old as Shinji is not a happy 14-year-old. But I did not come right out and say "OMG I WAS SO SAD." Somehow admitting that seems much sillier than groaning vaguely while dribbling soft-shell crab and soy sauce.

The early episodes of the show are fascinating. The pace is soooo slow and the camera takes its sweet time examining the pained expressions of the two main characters, Shinji and Misato. Especially intriguing: the show can go in any direction it wants at this point. Any direction at all. Who would've guessed its final, terrible and haunting destination? Watching it from the beginning now, again, it's even more painful to know where these characters (might or might not?!) end up.

"Good night, Shinji. Hang in there."

This marks the end of my 277th random Evangelion musing. AND NEXT WEEK: MORE FAN SERVICE!!!!!!!1111111111LOL

You wanna piece of me, BOY?

2005-10-22T14:13:00.000-04:00

A few important life lessons I gleaned the past couple of days:

- The next time I find myself to be one of the four males in a college course about ancient homosexual practices in foreign lands, I've got to withdraw immediately. That shit is not as fun as it sounds.

- I cannot tolerate spicy food anymore, or at least, spicy chicken wraps from strange Indian joins in New Brunswick. My stomach flips more than a mudskipper.

- Hair gel is a nice thing to have especially when I wake up and my hair decides to ignore all rules of physics and decency.

- Japanese is a ridiculous language to learn. Next time I try to unearth the secrets of a foreign language I better be born into that culture first.

- When my roommate is out for the night I better get to bed early or I'll have to endure 20 more minutes of gasping and squeaking than I would have liked trying to sleep later that night.

- Yes, Asian girls do have a distinct gasp and squeak. It ain't just in porn!

- Terran is a difficult race to play as when you want to rush your opponents. ZOMG LING RUSH

Stand Alone

2005-10-20T01:59:00.000-04:00

College is a fucking sore. Festering and never healing and getting worse and worse.

Yet today was one of the best days I had here in that I overslept and missed my only class - a class so obtuse and unapproachable unless you were born and raised in Japan or you are an asexual Japanfucker - worked out, showered, shaved, brought groceries, met a good friend during grocery shopping, walked back to the dorm with her laughing about how gay Batman Forever is, and got back in time to make dinner and watch two episodes of Lost and new episodes of South Park, Daily Show and Colbert Report. So, really, today had nothing to do with college and it was great.

It's the simple things.

Which is why tonight's episode of Lost finally broke through the thickheaded annoyingness of the current meandering season. The last few episodes got so caught up in setting up and setting up and foreshadowing that the metaphysics and bullshit of the plot thatthe characters wised up, yelled "Hey, fuck you, you plot!" and grabbed the reins from the plot and took over. But then, any episode of Lost that centers on Sun and her life is sure to be a joy, majestic string symphonies, sunsets and all.

Right now would be a fantastic time to be dropped on a mysterious, oft-dangerous island. To quit my job at the fast-food chicken joint or the hotel door. To longer be a student or an employee and just live, to only worry about a lost ring or what to do with the giant cache of food I just found.

But then I'd have to worry about where to plug in my PS2.

Because, goddammit, Shadow of the Colossus is out and I'm not playing it. Not yet anyway.

But soon.

Mask of the Butttasm

2005-10-05T02:50:00.000-04:00

The Brooklyn Bridge and South Street Seaport from my window. Taken yesterday early, early, early morning. When I got space madness from staying up.

Same view, a few moments later.

Schmuck in a pineapple shirt.

Ohmu Crossing

2005-09-29T01:31:00.000-04:00

Pretty routine day today. Felt terribly lost in Japanese class then wandered about reading and eating.

After I finished eating and writing out a Nihongo assignment I sat up from my comfy seat in the student lounge and noticed something where I had just sat, something in the impression my modest, nearly-not-even-there butt left. I looked closer and found... a ladybug!!

My second bug encounter in two days. Well, ladybugs are far more agreeable than pasta bugs and I didn't wanna see the poor fella get hurt indoors, in this artificial environment so I brushed him into my hand, formed a fist so he wouldn't fall out and took the elevator down eight flights. I crossed the street to the park and let him crawl off onto a tasty-looking leaf. He probably flew off after that.

So, yeah.

That's right.

Call me Nausicaa of the Valley of the Wind. Bitch.

They're animals, man!

2005-09-27T21:10:00.000-04:00

Dozens of bugs in my Master Choice Penne Rigate bag of pasta.

MOTHERFUCKING CHRIST.

I already had the water to boil and I was pouring the pasta in when I noticed little specks floating around at the top. I thought "shit, how is the pot not clean?" then I noticed the specks in the bag of pasta. They weren't fuckinging there before, I must've woke them up or something.

Thing was, I noticed two or three of them on the counter earlier, squooshed 'em and paid them no mind. They must've crawled out when I opened the bag earlier. So, FUCK MY ASS my dinner was postponed and I didn't know I had A PANDEMIC ON HAND. I FEEL SO FILTHY AND VIOLATED.

JOHNNY RICO AND THE ROUGHNECKS WOULDN'T STAND FOR THIS SHIT

Blegend of Belda

2005-09-25T20:32:00.000-04:00

Tried to go see Shigeru Miyamoto today. Y'know. Creator of Super Mario Bros., Nintendogs, Star Fox, Donkey Kong and Legend of Zelda. Primary Nintendo guy. Responsible for wacky stuff like the DS and the Revolution controller.

Waited on line since 5 in the morning and all I got was a lousy DS "skin." For the DS I don't have.

On the bright side I got NetFlix. So come Monday I should get Deliverance in my mailbox. Nothing like a bunch of rednecks gangraping a poor suburbanite to lift my spirits.

Well, shall we go?

2005-09-23T01:30:00.000-04:00

Perhaps you're familiar with Waiting for Godot. It's a "tragicomedy" by Samuel Beckett. You may know Samuel Beckett as the main character of Quantum Leap.

Unf.

So this is an existential 4-man play I tried out for with my pal George. We read together for the two leads, he was Vladimir and I was Estragon. I thought it went really well. The directors laughed and commented on our camaraderie. We even had a gay little dance/spin move because, IMHO, this play is a gay play. Or at least vaguely gay. As I read I thought of this guy:

Stark from Farscape. Manic, wacko, insane but still somewhat coherent. And vaguely gay. Fitting, I thought.

I felt good, George felt good, we got called back. Next day, I'm fifteen minutes late because I couldn't decide what to wear. Vaguely gay quickly turned to extremely gay just then and I wasn't even acting.

I got off the longest bus ride ever and ran to the building. I get there finally, huffing and puffing, and there's just the director and two people, some guy and a girl I'd later learn to be the stage manager. I was under the impression that there'd be more people. I knew George couldn't go because he had a class and he told me he got an e-mail the night before saying he already got a part anyway. So George got 3 out of 4 possible parts.

I knew I didn't have a chance but I went anyway. This stuff is fun right? I'm a fun-loving guy. :D
So the director had me try out for Lucky, who is this idiot-slave that the cruel Pozzo drags around by a leash. Yup. No chance.

All he wanted me to do was stand next to the guy, reading for Pozzo, and be pathetic. I thought "Okay...?" that's easy. I got a freakishly expressive face, giant bulbous Peter Lorre eyes. I can handle this. So as the guy gave his monologue I just contorted myself, acted as slave-like and painful as possible and rolled around and rubbed my head against his chubby stomach. The chubby stomach of some guy I never met before.

The director stopped us and thanked us. I was sweaty and out of breath. There was no laughing and the girl was sitting in the back just blankly looking at me. I waited for the next direction.

Then realized that was it. Two minutes of being a retarded dick and that was my callback.

I didn't make the cut.

I thanked them, wished the guy good luck and walked out.

I feel dirty and used.

That could've been my boot getting yanked off.

Ninja Gayden

2005-09-19T23:36:00.000-04:00

A dumb stupid screenplay experiment by Timothy Torres. 9/19/2005.

EXT. CITY SIDEWALK - DAY

TOBY and CATHERINE walk out of class onto the busy street, people from all walks of life passing them by. Toby is a boy of 19, his backpack slung over one shoulder, hands in his pockets. Catherine's the same age. She looks mad or at least flustered at a textbook she's holding.

CATHERINE
'...One way of looking at a tree is to think about the lumber it might produce.'

TOBY
What the hell? That's like saying 'One way of looking at a woman is to think about the children she might bear' or 'how many times she can be plugged-'

Catherine gives him a disgusted look.

TOBY (CONT'D)
'...at once.'

CATHERINE
That class is outrageous. I hate it. I've got to drop it or my GPA's ruined.

TOBY
'You got to drop it like it's hot.'

CATHERINE
It's the only course of action I can take. This semester is looking more and more grim.

TOBY
'See these ice cubes? See these ice creams?'

CATHERINE
Are you even concerned?

TOBY
About what? School? Work? Catherine, c'mon. All you've got to be worried about is... um. Ninja kidnappings.

A ninja picks Catherine up over its shoulder and leaps away.

TOBY (CONT'D)
Jeezum crow!

CATHERINE
Toby!

TOBY
Catherine!

The ninja and Catherine are out of sight. Toby is left alone among the apathetic pedestrians.

TOBY (CONT'D)
Oh... oh my god! Did no one just see that?!

After a beat, Toby is shocked out of his... previous shock by a voice from behind.

VOICE FROM BEHIND
I did, young one.

Toby turns around to meet TOMOZU, a lean, very tall man dressed in ninja garb not unlike Catherine's kidnapper. His face is covered by a mask but his eyes and puffy black hair are visible. He stands calm and cross-armed.

TOBY
Just who are you?!

TOMOZU
Calm yourself. I am Tomozu. I saw what happened, I can help you. You'll have to come with me.

Toby looks around to see if anyone else notices the big ninja he's talking to. No one notices.

TOMOZU (CONT'D)
It's dangerous out in the open. We must talk in private. Follow me.

Tomozu leaps up the side of the building they're in front of. Toby looks up momentarily then walks away.

EXT. CITY PARK - SOME TIME LATER
Toby is walking swiftly down a path, covered by the shadow of trees. Afternoon sunlight peeks through the leaves. His determined pace is interrupted by Tomozu, who leaps out of a nearby bush.

TOMOZU
Why didn't you come?

Toby ignores him and brushes past.

TOMOZU (CONT'D)
Why do you ignore me?

Toby continues walking forward but calls back.

TOBY
I'm calling the cops!

A puff of smoke blossoms before Toby and Tomozu emerges.

TOMOZU
You can't involve the police. Conventional justice will not do in this situation.

TOBY
I'm calling the cops on you!

A beat.

TOMOZU
Jeez, okay kid, here. Have her back.

Another puff of smoke and Catherine is back.

CATHERINE
Toby!

Catherine hugs Toby.

TOBY
Did this guy do anything to you?

CATHERINE
No, we just... had a salad.

TOMOZU
(sadly)
I just wanted a bit of company for lunch. Is that too much to ask?

Tomozu sulks away and disappears in another plume of smoke. After a beat of confusion Catherine turns to Toby.

TOBY
...Catherine?

CATHERINE
Toby. Anymore sarcastic remarks about mythical Chinese warrior kidnappings out of you and I kill you. Got me?

TOBY
Ninjas are Japanese.

Catherine kills Toby.

College is sucking again

2005-09-18T03:52:00.000-04:00

After a night of Stand Alone Complex watching and sketch drawing I've come to a few conclusions:

- Stand Alone Complex is awesome. Really. Awesome. It is so good. A score by Yoko Kanno, pitch perfect pacing, fluid and consistent animation, gripping plot... it's so good I forget it's anime. It's like Cowboy Bebop that way. You forget the same medium that produced DBZ, InuYasha and Witch Fucker Robin made something this smart and engaging.

- I am not the sketch artist I should be. I've been drawing off and on for years. Since 1st, 2nd, 3rd grade? When did I really become aware of that... thing I like to do? I dunno, but I've been holding a pencil to paper for years, drawing the same uninspired fan art junk forever, the characters and creations of other far greater minds, and I am nowhere near the caliber of Bruce Timm, Stephen Silver, Yoshiyuki Sadamoto, Nobuteeru Yuki, Jim Lee, Michael Turner, Gabe of Penny Arcade or the 21-year-old genius behind http://pub.tenkuu.net/.

I mean... hot damn, those people are good. I'm positive nearly all of them are self-taught too. Sometimes I think I should drop out and just draw and play videogames all day. Oh, if only I could major in SLACKING. To be a professional slacker... That's the life for me. Here's my somewhat latest effort:

I've done a few more since then but I've yet to scan them or do anything... Pewla.

- Speaking of college, I feel like it's sucking again. I promised myself I'd keep this rag private-life-bitching free, to only gush about movies/games/comic/things I love and hate but shit. There is a fucking electronic beeping outside in the hall and it won't go away. I called the front desk to notifty them. Two hours ago (note the time). Heck, it could be a fire alarm or something. The whole building could go up any moment. Hundreds would die. Not a damn thing was done. It's still beeping. How am I gonna sleep without pounding nails through my temples?

No one else cares, as they're too strung out or something to notice. Everyone I met and was introduced to by my amiable roommate... they're not my kind. Not my type of people at all. They don't look me in the eye when we talk, they don't remember things. They start a conversation with me then once something distracts them they forget I'm there. These are the people, who in high school, I'd never approach or have anything to do with and they'd never approach or have anything to do with me, because I'm the kid who sits at the table playing Advance Wars with his pals, not the one who talks and gets along with everybody. I'm the kid with a stupid blog... how likely!Yet I act like myself, really. I made the attempt. And often still do. I'm totally comfortable and on the level and everything but that's not good enough I guess. Because once you enter college, you immediately become a flake. And if you're not a flake you're left behind. Goddammit.

Perhaps it's the Zelda: Twilight Princess or DOA4 posters on my wall but most of 'em don't even come over anymore anyway. Not for me anyway. My roommate - he's pretty cool. And everyone agrees. Silly, isn't it? I'm 20 and I wanna be popular! How I might look:

*SIGH* ;_____;

Segue! Evangelion is gonna air on Adult Swim sometime in October. Evangelion - regarded by many as the greatest and most controversial anime/thing to ever EXIST on EARTH - is gonna be on American television for the first time ever. It's taken ten years but hey, it's on its way... so where are the advertisements? I love Adult Swim/Toonami's commercials. The commercials capture the feeling and essence of each show perfectly... the Full Metal Alchemist ads? Forget about it. Remember the Gundam Wing ones? Even Tenchi. And the ones for typical shounen show s-CRY-ed always make me laugh.

Golly, I'm tired. Oh well... how will I end this...

d e m o

2005-09-05T15:43:00.000-04:00

The demo that comes with Official Playstation Magazine this month (Shadow of the Colossus is on the cover) is the finest, most well-rounded demonstration disc I played in a while and is probably the best demo the magazine's had since their Metal Gear Solid disc way back in 1998. There is a bigger variety of gameplay on this demo than most full games have. And next month looks bright as well: it'll have a sample of Soul Calibur III's single- and multiplayer and the character creation mode. Righteous.

The main attraction on this month's demo is the chance to try out Shadow of the Colossus, a breathtaking new game from the people responsible for 2001's incredible ICO. The object/story is to kill the giant, ancient giants roaming the vast land to save your girlfriend/wife/sister/whoever her relation to the main character is. There is no spoken dialogue or expository text ("Press Triangle to jump" and similar instructions are all you get) so most of the plot is largely left up to your interpretation... your interpretation of such things as the state of the world, the various ruins that dot the landscape, the sweeping orchestral music, the statues in that first hallway, your own feelings... much like ICO.

For instance, when I scrambled up the colossus' back and onto its head, and delivered the finishing sword thrust - I effectively pithed the creature - jets of black blood gushed out like I put a pin through a water balloon. The music shifted to something sadder, more choral than the booming Evangelion-esque fight music heard during the struggle. The monster shambled and collapsed much like the cave troll did in Fellowship of the Ring. Like I felt bad for that cave troll I felt even worse for the colossus. This big, ancient-looking golem was just minding its own business when I decided to climb up his body and repeatedly stab his head with a broadsword. And I have to do this fifteen more times to... to do what, something selfish like revive my lost loved one?

...There's something being said in this game. Something about loneliness (the nameless playable character and his horse seem to be the only living things in the world) and desperation. How far would you go to save someone you love? Would you do something like kill the world's oldest, most majestic magical creatures? Would you kill a unicorn for its blood or, given the grace and scale of the colossi, would you climb atop Mt. McKinley and... stab it to death?

The game's tone is somber, it's melancholy, it's dark... something which is evident in the image of the lifeless maiden at the beginning but much more obvious after you defeat the colossus and finish the demo. I won't spoil what happens but if you saw Princess Mononoke you saw something similar. Hayao Miyazaki's influence was felt in ICO too. And, gaw, that was a stunning experience. I forgot I was playing with a controller at times, I just wanted to save the girl. I don't know if that absorption will be in Shadow as it was in ICO, as its gameplay is far more combat-oriented and I am much more aware of my violent actions and goals but if it can yield the same sweeping, emotional air as ICO did by the end, that kind of beauty that hurts, then I don't mind waiting another four or five years if it means the next game from the ICO team will be a peerless masterpiece as well.

Now, for a change of pace...

The other standout on the demo, Burnout Revenge, is stupid. And a little ridiculous. No, make that fucking ridiculous. You race as fast as you can, with five other cars, through traffic, and the more crashes and chaos you cause the more "boost" you get to speed your car up, and the more points you get. It's a racing game where you don't race, but fight the other racers by forcing them into walls or tractor-trailers and watching them 'splode in slow motion. Even better than destroying the other cars - no, it's the BEST - you can EXPLODE YOUR OWN CAR. Don't worry, you automatically respawn after such a move and go back to racing and exploding your car all over again, but look: YOU CAN EXPLODE YOUR OWN CAR.

Didn't I say Burnout Revenge is fucking ridiculous? It is. It's dumb as hell. It's FUN as hell. I haven't had this much fun racing a virtual vehicle since Mario Kart: Double Dash. There's only one course on the demo but I've learned its various strengths, weaknesses and alternate routes and I hope the finished game is as polished and even more expansive than this demo is already. After something "arty" like Shadow of the Colossus I didn't expect to find something just as... well, probably not just as, but there is a brilliance to Burnout Revenge. Those penalties and rules I can't stand about racing games (in my opinion, if they don't involve turtle shells and banana peels, they're pretty boring) are gone. Instead, you're rewarded for your recklessness.

I'll say it again: you can EXPLODE YOUR OWN CAR then immediately race again as if nothing so catastrophic and deadly even happened. It's utterly fucking fantastic.

COMedy Central...? ...More like CONedy Central!

2005-09-02T23:21:00.000-04:00

I don't normally get worked up by Internet morons (well, not that often) but the IMDB.com boards are fantastic in their stupidity and terrible taste (Y'know there are Manos fans - yes, people are animals) ... so it's kind of a fresh breath of air to reply to someone I viciously disagree with. Well, remember that show Con? Skyler Stone? Ugly guy who described himself as looking like the guy in Bill & Ted who isn't Keanu (at least he's honest with himself)... well, I thought that show was pretty much bunk. Must be easy to be a con artist when you got a whole con team and every connection in L.A. right?

A little while back I found a board on IMDB that believed Skyler Stone was actually posting there using his "Mike St. Aubin" alias. How clever. Here was my post about the faux phenomenon:

Do you guys really believe this guy is Skyler Stone or are you just humoring him because Skyler Stone is an untalented jackass? You know, this is THE INTERNET. There is nothing to prove that this is or isn't who he says he is. And what proof do we have? His word? What *beep* good is HIS WORD - the word of the guy who used to star in a stupid Comedy Central show titled "CON" (DUUUHH)? Let alone, his WORD on the INTERNET.

Jesus *beep* Christ.

Actually, it's not difficult to believe Skyler Stone posts here. The dude didn't deserve a show, he was just a regular douche. Nothing special about him. He should be selling me socks at Target.

So for some reason, people always see the need to defend movie/TV/music/gardening stars, no matter what. I mean, who would fucking fly to the defense of a celebrity? As if their honor or lives depend on the respect they get. These people don't need you defending them. At all. They need fucking help for sure, but to get all snappy when someone says "Fuck Tom Cruise?"

Me: Have you seen Tom Cruise lately? He used to be the man but now he's fucking nuts.
Forum Looney: You're just jealous of his success.
Me: Jealous of a guy who's lost all touch with reality? Not bloody likely.
Forum Looney: I'LL FIND YOU AND POUR CEMENT DOWN YOUR ASS.

Can you feasibly come to the defense of Courtney Love or Tom Sizemore or Jennifer Lopez, let alone Skyler Stone, someone who's known by maybe three people in the world?

Well, eventually, someone mentions Stella and Carlos Menica amid the Con-fellating:

you like Stella and you hate Carlos Mencia. Christ, you have some awful taste in entertainment. Stella is probably the worst show I have ever seen on Comedy Central, just watching it for three seconds made me want to vomit. Carlos Mencia is hilarious because he shys away from nothing and has no patience for stupid people. Con was alright, there were a few good ones but nothing special.

So, my brain snapped and I haaaaaaad to type this out in reply:

No, wait, YOU have awful taste in entertainment. Holy shit, you have TERRIBLE taste in entertainment. I haven't met one person yet who's ever laughed at a "joke" by Mencia. I can't even imagine such a person.

First, to Stella's defense: I didn't think much of it at first either but it's atually charming, warm and funny and has personality. It's funny as hell and SMART without being "offensive" or "edgy." The humor itself is "dumb" (as in, the characters are idiots) but it's well-written and often hilarious. I hope it runs on to become a classic someday.

Humor doesn't have to be "honest" or "dirty" to be good. It doesn't have to be racial or political or involve timely issues. More often than not, that kind of shit SUCKS. To make an analogy look at Shark Tale or Shrek then look at Finding Nemo or Toy Story. Guess which movies are funnier and better.

Carlos Mencia's a hack. The guy just yells about shit. He and his fans can go straight to hell. All Carlos Menica has on his side is RACE. He is a fucking, bigoted racist UNFUNNY jackass. Yeah, WE GET IT. You're MEXICAN. FUCK YOU. Tell some REAL goddamn jokes, say something insightful. Him and D.L. Hughley. Race, race, race, race, race. MOVE ON.

They are third-rate comedians on par with Andy Dick, Jimmy Kimmel, his huge-fucking-headed gay partner and the other talentless fucktards who roasted Pam "Dumb as Shit" Anderson. Comedy Central pisses me off because all it does (since it lost Chappelle, who wisely cancelled his own show - THAT is "respect") is give bottom-shelf "comics" backwards-ass TV shows that - get this - aren't funny. In fact, they're the exact opposite. They're dishwater. THAT is what's offensive. These "comedians" should shut the fuck up already and do something more appropriate with their "skills" - like clean public lavatories.

Reading everything over I notice I like to refer to crappy cartoons, Mike Nelson and Monty Python. And elaborate and exaggerate. Hyperbole's good too.

GodfuckingDAMMIT I love hyperbole.

Can't Say Good Bye to OMGZ WUT DAY EEZ IT

2005-08-31T17:35:00.000-04:00

"Dreaming in an empty room (a defense of Metal Gear Solid 2)"
http://www.insertcredit.com/features/dreaming2/

"Metal Gear Solid 2: Sons of Liberty Ending Analysis - Gene and Meme"
http://junkerhq.net/MGS2/

Metal Gear Solid 2: Sons of Liberty is a brilliant game. Its story, themes and presentation are nothing short of astounding and, like so many other incredible things, by the end, it hurts to see something so mindbendingly cool come to an end.

After tearing apart the U.S. government and reality as we know it Metal Gear Solid 2: Sons of Liberty finally turns into a sloppy, wet kiss to New York City at the end. While Solid Snake gruffly philosophizes how we have a responsibility to keep the memory of humanity alive through literature and movies, the credits roll and jazz music plays as footage of taxis, seagulls, people crossing streets and more New Yorky things come to live-action life on screen.

I live in Manhattan, I go to school there. I live about two blocks away from the East River and the Brooklyn Bridge and when I stroll there I can't help but be instantly reminded of MGS2's climax... er, many climaxes. "Can't Say Good Bye to Yesterday" rushes back to my mind and all the philosophical and existential questions brought up by the fake Colonel and Rose... it's a rush. The Verezzano Bridge, which Arsenal passes underneath, is in clear view from Pier 17. New York is a jazz city, it's a lonely city. Metal Gear Solid 2 captures its essence perfectly at the end.

Pal John Warren beat it it last night and his reaction is all I could have hoped for. He loved it, called it brilliant, deemed Kojima the first videogame auteur... all before the credits ended and the obligatory MGS "WTF?!" epilogue threw everything into doubt.

I dunno... I just feel like I had to type something about MGS2. I've had "Can't Say Good Bye to Yesterday" on loop for a while... Those two links up above are articles that illuminate everything there is to respect about the game.

Film Flam

2005-07-25T20:04:00.000-04:00

http://www.imdb.com/news/sb/2005-07-25/

Nevermind that IMDB never fails to never cite a source EVER, but check those first three news bits out. If you feel like you might get sidetracked and look up "memorable quotes" from Amistad instead then here are the headlines I want you to feign interest in:

"Return of the box office slump!" "Dreamworks guy blamed for fall in animation stock!" "People find more to dislike about Alexander!"

Oliver Stone took the gay out of Alexander and now the gays are angry! Oh, the delicious cartoony irony!

Don't worry, there's a segue somewhere there. It has something to do with bad movies, I'm sure. But much has been made of this supposed box office slump and analysts and studios and theater chains, and whoever's in charge of all those movies, have been scrambling this past year to figure out what to do to make their money back. The question's been raised over and over: Why aren't audiences going to see movies anymore? And, somehow, these suits and studios and bean-counters can't figure it out. IMDB has been headlining this same story for months now and I can't figure out why no one from that great invisible Movie Factory has been clued in about wwhhhyyy this happening.

It's because the movies are crap. Pure, unsaturated, great shit, mined from the deepest reaches of the great shit vein deep within Shit Mountain found in shitty Shit, U.S.A. And I never thought it would happen, but mainstream audiences - who usually keep shit alive - are finally waking up to the smell. And they don't really like it anymore. They don't even need to see a movie to know it's gonna suck. Trailers are a fantastic indication for how egregious a movie will be. D.E.B.S., House of Wax, Stealth, Bad News Bears, The Island, Must Love Dogs, Alexander, Madagascar, Robots...

I know nothing about stock or money or aerophysics but maybe Dreamworks animation is losing stock because Dreamworks animation blows. "From the makers of Shrek." That is to laugh, Dreamworks Animation! Ho ho, ha ha, hee hee. ...Try making something that doesn't involve a horrifically designed animal/ogre with a really-sorta-racist sidekick cavorting about to a bubblegum mid-70s soundtrack and maybe, maybe, maybe you'll be seen as something other than Pixar's lowly bitch. Hire some grown-up writers, guys with real taste, guys who think Britney Spears "jokes" are about a good idea as goosestepping at a synagogue. Maybe Shark Tale could have been something more than the "blacker" version of Finding Nemo.

I was on the way home and Laura Ingram (is that how you spell it? like the uzi?), that chatty bitch on the radio, was complaining about the amount of remakes and sequels choking the summer. I have to admit, she's right. This is one of the lousier summers for movies. What have we got out now? She mentioned Wonka, Wedding Crashers, Herbie and The Island. None of that is anything to be proud of, for sure, but the pundit-whore failed to mention

Batman Begins and Howl's Moving Castle.

Those two movies needed their own paragraph. There will always be crap but at least there will be a couple, maybe a handful of gems worth watching.

This may or may not be a sketch of Howl I did during work.

So yeah, this is basically my haven for whiny thoughts, thoughtful thoughts and art.

Boffo.