Monday, July 25, 2005
Film Flam
http://www.imdb.com/news/sb/2005-07-25/
Nevermind that IMDB never fails to never cite a source EVER, but check those first three news bits out. If you feel like you might get sidetracked and look up "memorable quotes" from Amistad instead then here are the headlines I want you to feign interest in:
"Return of the box office slump!" "Dreamworks guy blamed for fall in animation stock!" "People find more to dislike about Alexander!"
Oliver Stone took the gay out of Alexander and now the gays are angry! Oh, the delicious cartoony irony!
Don't worry, there's a segue somewhere there. It has something to do with bad movies, I'm sure. But much has been made of this supposed box office slump and analysts and studios and theater chains, and whoever's in charge of all those movies, have been scrambling this past year to figure out what to do to make their money back. The question's been raised over and over: Why aren't audiences going to see movies anymore? And, somehow, these suits and studios and bean-counters can't figure it out. IMDB has been headlining this same story for months now and I can't figure out why no one from that great invisible Movie Factory has been clued in about wwhhhyyy this happening.
It's because the movies are crap. Pure, unsaturated, great shit, mined from the deepest reaches of the great shit vein deep within Shit Mountain found in shitty Shit, U.S.A. And I never thought it would happen, but mainstream audiences - who usually keep shit alive - are finally waking up to the smell. And they don't really like it anymore. They don't even need to see a movie to know it's gonna suck. Trailers are a fantastic indication for how egregious a movie will be. D.E.B.S., House of Wax, Stealth, Bad News Bears, The Island, Must Love Dogs, Alexander, Madagascar, Robots...
I know nothing about stock or money or aerophysics but maybe Dreamworks animation is losing stock because Dreamworks animation blows. "From the makers of Shrek." That is to laugh, Dreamworks Animation! Ho ho, ha ha, hee hee. ...Try making something that doesn't involve a horrifically designed animal/ogre with a really-sorta-racist sidekick cavorting about to a bubblegum mid-70s soundtrack and maybe, maybe, maybe you'll be seen as something other than Pixar's lowly bitch. Hire some grown-up writers, guys with real taste, guys who think Britney Spears "jokes" are about a good idea as goosestepping at a synagogue. Maybe Shark Tale could have been something more than the "blacker" version of Finding Nemo.
I was on the way home and Laura Ingram (is that how you spell it? like the uzi?), that chatty bitch on the radio, was complaining about the amount of remakes and sequels choking the summer. I have to admit, she's right. This is one of the lousier summers for movies. What have we got out now? She mentioned Wonka, Wedding Crashers, Herbie and The Island. None of that is anything to be proud of, for sure, but the pundit-whore failed to mention
Batman Begins and Howl's Moving Castle.
Those two movies needed their own paragraph. There will always be crap but at least there will be a couple, maybe a handful of gems worth watching.
This may or may not be a sketch of Howl I did during work.
So yeah, this is basically my haven for whiny thoughts, thoughtful thoughts and art.
Boffo.
