Thursday, September 29, 2005
Ohmu Crossing
Pretty routine day today. Felt terribly lost in Japanese class then wandered about reading and eating.
After I finished eating and writing out a Nihongo assignment I sat up from my comfy seat in the student lounge and noticed something where I had just sat, something in the impression my modest, nearly-not-even-there butt left. I looked closer and found... a ladybug!!
My second bug encounter in two days. Well, ladybugs are far more agreeable than pasta bugs and I didn't wanna see the poor fella get hurt indoors, in this artificial environment so I brushed him into my hand, formed a fist so he wouldn't fall out and took the elevator down eight flights. I crossed the street to the park and let him crawl off onto a tasty-looking leaf. He probably flew off after that.
So, yeah.
That's right.
Call me Nausicaa of the Valley of the Wind. Bitch.
Tuesday, September 27, 2005
They're animals, man!
MOTHERFUCKING CHRIST.
I already had the water to boil and I was pouring the pasta in when I noticed little specks floating around at the top. I thought "shit, how is the pot not clean?" then I noticed the specks in the bag of pasta. They weren't fuckinging there before, I must've woke them up or something.
Thing was, I noticed two or three of them on the counter earlier, squooshed 'em and paid them no mind. They must've crawled out when I opened the bag earlier. So, FUCK MY ASS my dinner was postponed and I didn't know I had A PANDEMIC ON HAND. I FEEL SO FILTHY AND VIOLATED.
JOHNNY RICO AND THE ROUGHNECKS WOULDN'T STAND FOR THIS SHIT
Sunday, September 25, 2005
Blegend of Belda
Tried to go see Shigeru Miyamoto today. Y'know. Creator of Super Mario Bros., Nintendogs, Star Fox, Donkey Kong and Legend of Zelda. Primary Nintendo guy. Responsible for wacky stuff like the DS and the Revolution controller.
Waited on line since 5 in the morning and all I got was a lousy DS "skin." For the DS I don't have.
On the bright side I got NetFlix. So come Monday I should get Deliverance in my mailbox. Nothing like a bunch of rednecks gangraping a poor suburbanite to lift my spirits.
Friday, September 23, 2005
Well, shall we go?
Unf.
So this is an existential 4-man play I tried out for with my pal George. We read together for the two leads, he was Vladimir and I was Estragon. I thought it went really well. The directors laughed and commented on our camaraderie. We even had a gay little dance/spin move because, IMHO, this play is a gay play. Or at least vaguely gay. As I read I thought of this guy:
Stark from Farscape. Manic, wacko, insane but still somewhat coherent. And vaguely gay. Fitting, I thought.
I felt good, George felt good, we got called back. Next day, I'm fifteen minutes late because I couldn't decide what to wear. Vaguely gay quickly turned to extremely gay just then and I wasn't even acting.
I got off the longest bus ride ever and ran to the building. I get there finally, huffing and puffing, and there's just the director and two people, some guy and a girl I'd later learn to be the stage manager. I was under the impression that there'd be more people. I knew George couldn't go because he had a class and he told me he got an e-mail the night before saying he already got a part anyway. So George got 3 out of 4 possible parts.
I knew I didn't have a chance but I went anyway. This stuff is fun right? I'm a fun-loving guy. :D
So the director had me try out for Lucky, who is this idiot-slave that the cruel Pozzo drags around by a leash. Yup. No chance.
All he wanted me to do was stand next to the guy, reading for Pozzo, and be pathetic. I thought "Okay...?" that's easy. I got a freakishly expressive face, giant bulbous Peter Lorre eyes. I can handle this. So as the guy gave his monologue I just contorted myself, acted as slave-like and painful as possible and rolled around and rubbed my head against his chubby stomach. The chubby stomach of some guy I never met before.
The director stopped us and thanked us. I was sweaty and out of breath. There was no laughing and the girl was sitting in the back just blankly looking at me. I waited for the next direction.
Then realized that was it. Two minutes of being a retarded dick and that was my callback.
I didn't make the cut.
I thanked them, wished the guy good luck and walked out.
I feel dirty and used. That could've been my boot getting yanked off.
Monday, September 19, 2005
Ninja Gayden
A dumb stupid screenplay experiment by Timothy Torres. 9/19/2005.
EXT. CITY SIDEWALK - DAY
TOBY and CATHERINE walk out of class onto the busy street, people from all walks of life passing them by. Toby is a boy of 19, his backpack slung over one shoulder, hands in his pockets. Catherine's the same age. She looks mad or at least flustered at a textbook she's holding.
CATHERINE
'...One way of looking at a tree is to think about the lumber it might produce.'
TOBY
What the hell? That's like saying 'One way of looking at a woman is to think about the children she might bear' or 'how many times she can be plugged-'
Catherine gives him a disgusted look.
TOBY (CONT'D)
'...at once.'
CATHERINE
That class is outrageous. I hate it. I've got to drop it or my GPA's ruined.
TOBY
'You got to drop it like it's hot.'
CATHERINE
It's the only course of action I can take. This semester is looking more and more grim.
TOBY
'See these ice cubes? See these ice creams?'
CATHERINE
Are you even concerned?
TOBY
About what? School? Work? Catherine, c'mon. All you've got to be worried about is... um. Ninja kidnappings.
A ninja picks Catherine up over its shoulder and leaps away.
TOBY (CONT'D)
Jeezum crow!
CATHERINE
Toby!
TOBY
Catherine!
The ninja and Catherine are out of sight. Toby is left alone among the apathetic pedestrians.
TOBY (CONT'D)
Oh... oh my god! Did no one just see that?!
After a beat, Toby is shocked out of his... previous shock by a voice from behind.
VOICE FROM BEHIND
I did, young one.
Toby turns around to meet TOMOZU, a lean, very tall man dressed in ninja garb not unlike Catherine's kidnapper. His face is covered by a mask but his eyes and puffy black hair are visible. He stands calm and cross-armed.
TOBY
Just who are you?!
TOMOZU
Calm yourself. I am Tomozu. I saw what happened, I can help you. You'll have to come with me.
Toby looks around to see if anyone else notices the big ninja he's talking to. No one notices.
TOMOZU (CONT'D)
It's dangerous out in the open. We must talk in private. Follow me.
Tomozu leaps up the side of the building they're in front of. Toby looks up momentarily then walks away.
EXT. CITY PARK - SOME TIME LATER
Toby is walking swiftly down a path, covered by the shadow of trees. Afternoon sunlight peeks through the leaves. His determined pace is interrupted by Tomozu, who leaps out of a nearby bush.
TOMOZU
Why didn't you come?
Toby ignores him and brushes past.
TOMOZU (CONT'D)
Why do you ignore me?
Toby continues walking forward but calls back.
TOBY
I'm calling the cops!
A puff of smoke blossoms before Toby and Tomozu emerges.
TOMOZU
You can't involve the police. Conventional justice will not do in this situation.
TOBY
I'm calling the cops on you!
A beat.
TOMOZU
Jeez, okay kid, here. Have her back.
Another puff of smoke and Catherine is back.
CATHERINE
Toby!
Catherine hugs Toby.
TOBY
Did this guy do anything to you?
CATHERINE
No, we just... had a salad.
TOMOZU
(sadly)
I just wanted a bit of company for lunch. Is that too much to ask?
Tomozu sulks away and disappears in another plume of smoke. After a beat of confusion Catherine turns to Toby.
TOBY
...Catherine?
CATHERINE
Toby. Anymore sarcastic remarks about mythical Chinese warrior kidnappings out of you and I kill you. Got me?
TOBY
Ninjas are Japanese.
Catherine kills Toby.
Sunday, September 18, 2005
College is sucking again
After a night of Stand Alone Complex watching and sketch drawing I've come to a few conclusions:
- Stand Alone Complex is awesome. Really. Awesome. It is so good. A score by Yoko Kanno, pitch perfect pacing, fluid and consistent animation, gripping plot... it's so good I forget it's anime. It's like Cowboy Bebop that way. You forget the same medium that produced DBZ, InuYasha and Witch Fucker Robin made something this smart and engaging.
- I am not the sketch artist I should be. I've been drawing off and on for years. Since 1st, 2nd, 3rd grade? When did I really become aware of that... thing I like to do? I dunno, but I've been holding a pencil to paper for years, drawing the same uninspired fan art junk forever, the characters and creations of other far greater minds, and I am nowhere near the caliber of Bruce Timm, Stephen Silver, Yoshiyuki Sadamoto, Nobuteeru Yuki, Jim Lee, Michael Turner, Gabe of Penny Arcade or the 21-year-old genius behind http://pub.tenkuu.net/.
I mean... hot damn, those people are good. I'm positive nearly all of them are self-taught too. Sometimes I think I should drop out and just draw and play videogames all day. Oh, if only I could major in SLACKING. To be a professional slacker... That's the life for me. Here's my somewhat latest effort:
I've done a few more since then but I've yet to scan them or do anything... Pewla.
- Speaking of college, I feel like it's sucking again. I promised myself I'd keep this rag private-life-bitching free, to only gush about movies/games/comic/things I love and hate but shit. There is a fucking electronic beeping outside in the hall and it won't go away. I called the front desk to notifty them. Two hours ago (note the time). Heck, it could be a fire alarm or something. The whole building could go up any moment. Hundreds would die. Not a damn thing was done. It's still beeping. How am I gonna sleep without pounding nails through my temples?
No one else cares, as they're too strung out or something to notice. Everyone I met and was introduced to by my amiable roommate... they're not my kind. Not my type of people at all. They don't look me in the eye when we talk, they don't remember things. They start a conversation with me then once something distracts them they forget I'm there. These are the people, who in high school, I'd never approach or have anything to do with and they'd never approach or have anything to do with me, because I'm the kid who sits at the table playing Advance Wars with his pals, not the one who talks and gets along with everybody. I'm the kid with a stupid blog... how likely!Yet I act like myself, really. I made the attempt. And often still do. I'm totally comfortable and on the level and everything but that's not good enough I guess. Because once you enter college, you immediately become a flake. And if you're not a flake you're left behind. Goddammit.
Perhaps it's the Zelda: Twilight Princess or DOA4 posters on my wall but most of 'em don't even come over anymore anyway. Not for me anyway. My roommate - he's pretty cool. And everyone agrees. Silly, isn't it? I'm 20 and I wanna be popular! How I might look:
*SIGH* ;_____;
Segue! Evangelion is gonna air on Adult Swim sometime in October. Evangelion - regarded by many as the greatest and most controversial anime/thing to ever EXIST on EARTH - is gonna be on American television for the first time ever. It's taken ten years but hey, it's on its way... so where are the advertisements? I love Adult Swim/Toonami's commercials. The commercials capture the feeling and essence of each show perfectly... the Full Metal Alchemist ads? Forget about it. Remember the Gundam Wing ones? Even Tenchi. And the ones for typical shounen show s-CRY-ed always make me laugh.
Golly, I'm tired. Oh well... how will I end this...
Monday, September 05, 2005
d e m o
The main attraction on this month's demo is the chance to try out Shadow of the Colossus, a breathtaking new game from the people responsible for 2001's incredible ICO. The object/story is to kill the giant, ancient giants roaming the vast land to save your girlfriend/wife/sister/whoever her relation to the main character is. There is no spoken dialogue or expository text ("Press Triangle to jump" and similar instructions are all you get) so most of the plot is largely left up to your interpretation... your interpretation of such things as the state of the world, the various ruins that dot the landscape, the sweeping orchestral music, the statues in that first hallway, your own feelings... much like ICO.
For instance, when I scrambled up the colossus' back and onto its head, and delivered the finishing sword thrust - I effectively pithed the creature - jets of black blood gushed out like I put a pin through a water balloon. The music shifted to something sadder, more choral than the booming Evangelion-esque fight music heard during the struggle. The monster shambled and collapsed much like the cave troll did in Fellowship of the Ring. Like I felt bad for that cave troll I felt even worse for the colossus. This big, ancient-looking golem was just minding its own business when I decided to climb up his body and repeatedly stab his head with a broadsword. And I have to do this fifteen more times to... to do what, something selfish like revive my lost loved one?
...There's something being said in this game. Something about loneliness (the nameless playable character and his horse seem to be the only living things in the world) and desperation. How far would you go to save someone you love? Would you do something like kill the world's oldest, most majestic magical creatures? Would you kill a unicorn for its blood or, given the grace and scale of the colossi, would you climb atop Mt. McKinley and... stab it to death?
The game's tone is somber, it's melancholy, it's dark... something which is evident in the image of the lifeless maiden at the beginning but much more obvious after you defeat the colossus and finish the demo. I won't spoil what happens but if you saw Princess Mononoke you saw something similar. Hayao Miyazaki's influence was felt in ICO too. And, gaw, that was a stunning experience. I forgot I was playing with a controller at times, I just wanted to save the girl. I don't know if that absorption will be in Shadow as it was in ICO, as its gameplay is far more combat-oriented and I am much more aware of my violent actions and goals but if it can yield the same sweeping, emotional air as ICO did by the end, that kind of beauty that hurts, then I don't mind waiting another four or five years if it means the next game from the ICO team will be a peerless masterpiece as well.
Now, for a change of pace...
The other standout on the demo, Burnout Revenge, is stupid. And a little ridiculous. No, make that fucking ridiculous. You race as fast as you can, with five other cars, through traffic, and the more crashes and chaos you cause the more "boost" you get to speed your car up, and the more points you get. It's a racing game where you don't race, but fight the other racers by forcing them into walls or tractor-trailers and watching them 'splode in slow motion. Even better than destroying the other cars - no, it's the BEST - you can EXPLODE YOUR OWN CAR. Don't worry, you automatically respawn after such a move and go back to racing and exploding your car all over again, but look: YOU CAN EXPLODE YOUR OWN CAR.
Didn't I say Burnout Revenge is fucking ridiculous? It is. It's dumb as hell. It's FUN as hell. I haven't had this much fun racing a virtual vehicle since Mario Kart: Double Dash. There's only one course on the demo but I've learned its various strengths, weaknesses and alternate routes and I hope the finished game is as polished and even more expansive than this demo is already. After something "arty" like Shadow of the Colossus I didn't expect to find something just as... well, probably not just as, but there is a brilliance to Burnout Revenge. Those penalties and rules I can't stand about racing games (in my opinion, if they don't involve turtle shells and banana peels, they're pretty boring) are gone. Instead, you're rewarded for your recklessness.
I'll say it again: you can EXPLODE YOUR OWN CAR then immediately race again as if nothing so catastrophic and deadly even happened. It's utterly fucking fantastic.
Friday, September 02, 2005
COMedy Central...? ...More like CONedy Central!
I don't normally get worked up by Internet morons (well, not that often) but the IMDB.com boards are fantastic in their stupidity and terrible taste (Y'know there are Manos fans - yes, people are animals) ... so it's kind of a fresh breath of air to reply to someone I viciously disagree with. Well, remember that show Con? Skyler Stone? Ugly guy who described himself as looking like the guy in Bill & Ted who isn't Keanu (at least he's honest with himself)... well, I thought that show was pretty much bunk. Must be easy to be a con artist when you got a whole con team and every connection in L.A. right?
A little while back I found a board on IMDB that believed Skyler Stone was actually posting there using his "Mike St. Aubin" alias. How clever. Here was my post about the faux phenomenon:
Do you guys really believe this guy is Skyler Stone or are you just humoring him because Skyler Stone is an untalented jackass? You know, this is THE INTERNET. There is nothing to prove that this is or isn't who he says he is. And what proof do we have? His word? What *beep* good is HIS WORD - the word of the guy who used to star in a stupid Comedy Central show titled "CON" (DUUUHH)? Let alone, his WORD on the INTERNET.So for some reason, people always see the need to defend movie/TV/music/gardening stars, no matter what. I mean, who would fucking fly to the defense of a celebrity? As if their honor or lives depend on the respect they get. These people don't need you defending them. At all. They need fucking help for sure, but to get all snappy when someone says "Fuck Tom Cruise?"
Jesus *beep* Christ.
Actually, it's not difficult to believe Skyler Stone posts here. The dude didn't deserve a show, he was just a regular douche. Nothing special about him. He should be selling me socks at Target.
Me: Have you seen Tom Cruise lately? He used to be the man but now he's fucking nuts.Can you feasibly come to the defense of Courtney Love or Tom Sizemore or Jennifer Lopez, let alone Skyler Stone, someone who's known by maybe three people in the world?
Forum Looney: You're just jealous of his success.
Me: Jealous of a guy who's lost all touch with reality? Not bloody likely.
Forum Looney: I'LL FIND YOU AND POUR CEMENT DOWN YOUR ASS.
Well, eventually, someone mentions Stella and Carlos Menica amid the Con-fellating:
you like Stella and you hate Carlos Mencia. Christ, you have some awful taste in entertainment. Stella is probably the worst show I have ever seen on Comedy Central, just watching it for three seconds made me want to vomit. Carlos Mencia is hilarious because he shys away from nothing and has no patience for stupid people. Con was alright, there were a few good ones but nothing special.So, my brain snapped and I haaaaaaad to type this out in reply:
No, wait, YOU have awful taste in entertainment. Holy shit, you have TERRIBLE taste in entertainment. I haven't met one person yet who's ever laughed at a "joke" by Mencia. I can't even imagine such a person.
First, to Stella's defense: I didn't think much of it at first either but it's atually charming, warm and funny and has personality. It's funny as hell and SMART without being "offensive" or "edgy." The humor itself is "dumb" (as in, the characters are idiots) but it's well-written and often hilarious. I hope it runs on to become a classic someday.
Humor doesn't have to be "honest" or "dirty" to be good. It doesn't have to be racial or political or involve timely issues. More often than not, that kind of shit SUCKS. To make an analogy look at Shark Tale or Shrek then look at Finding Nemo or Toy Story. Guess which movies are funnier and better.
Carlos Mencia's a hack. The guy just yells about shit. He and his fans can go straight to hell. All Carlos Menica has on his side is RACE. He is a fucking, bigoted racist UNFUNNY jackass. Yeah, WE GET IT. You're MEXICAN. FUCK YOU. Tell some REAL goddamn jokes, say something insightful. Him and D.L. Hughley. Race, race, race, race, race. MOVE ON.
They are third-rate comedians on par with Andy Dick, Jimmy Kimmel, his huge-fucking-headed gay partner and the other talentless fucktards who roasted Pam "Dumb as Shit" Anderson. Comedy Central pisses me off because all it does (since it lost Chappelle, who wisely cancelled his own show - THAT is "respect") is give bottom-shelf "comics" backwards-ass TV shows that - get this - aren't funny. In fact, they're the exact opposite. They're dishwater. THAT is what's offensive. These "comedians" should shut the fuck up already and do something more appropriate with their "skills" - like clean public lavatories.
Reading everything over I notice I like to refer to crappy cartoons, Mike Nelson and Monty Python. And elaborate and exaggerate. Hyperbole's good too.
GodfuckingDAMMIT I love hyperbole.
